Listen to This Article Enhance your reading experience by listening to this article.

As they enter adulthood, male children often struggle with building and maintaining solid friendships with their male peers.  But  with shrinking social circles, they find themselves hinged to their romantic partners, who become both friend and ‘therapist’.  And because men are predisposed to deeper connections with male peers, parents and guardians have a role to play in raising emotionally and mentally healthy men with meaningful friendships in spite of toxic masculinity,  writes  CYNTHIA MUKANZI

Show them affirmation and love

Nothing builds a confident and secure man better than the endless dose of unconditional love and affirmation from parents, guardians and even siblings. They will never be desperate for validation from the world. Such men understand they don’t have to fear being judged as long as they have the right people in their corner. They unapologetically extend the same deep love to their friends or colleagues.

 Encourage clear articulation of feelings 

This helps boys or men identify and convey their feelings. Young children have limited vocabulary when it comes to expressing their feelings; therefore, when a parent or carer acknowledges their feelings, it emboldens development of their social and emotional skills. They learn healthy ways to express and name their feelings instead of acting out inappropriately for lack of words. Communication lines must be open for this to work. None of their feelings should be dismissed as menial when they speak up. In fact, they should be commended for expressing themselves.

Watch your language and tone 

Boys are as deeply emotional as girls, only that their female peers have more room to express that. You, therefore, find adults talk differently to boys. They are seen as more hardcore and not in need of the same affection and tenderness given to girls. We hear them being told ‘be a man’ even in devastating situations. Such social interactions negatively shape their emotional development and should not be allowed.

Teach them to listen

You teach them to listen by doing the same for them. By listening to them, they see their feelings and voices are valid and they deserve to take up space in life. Children are quick at picking social and emotional cues from the people around them. They emulate those interactions and if they are taught how to be present and listen to others, they will embrace it and respect other people’s feelings as well.  

Show interest in their friendships

Parents, guardians and caregivers should be interested in boys’ friendships. Ask about them; find out why your son or grandson cares about these other boys, what it is they are getting from these friendships and their amount of input. This plays a big role in helping them understand the importance of building healthy friendships and the purpose they serve in their lives. Allow them to invite their friends over, so that you can get to know their character.

Let them express vulnerability 

Boys should understand that there is nothing wrong with seeking cherished friendships with their male peers. Whether it’s with girls or boys, it’s okay to be affectionate and desire deeper connections in their friendships. They should be taught to ignore societal pressure and find value in these relationships. What’s the use of ‘bromance’ if you cannot find safety in it and confide in your friends for fear of being judged? Contrary to the belief, being expressive and vulnerable as a man doesn’t make you weak. 

Reinforce owning their individuality

Raising boys with a positive sense of self and agency gives birth to confident men who are not swayed by peer pressure to fit in. They value their individuality and are able to make better decisions and judgement without compromising their morals. Someone who is loyal to himself and values his principles makes a loyal friend to hold him accountable. They are their own person.

Augment nurturing skills 

Gender roles and biases codify even the simplest things creating false notions such as portraying women as the nurturers and men as creatures incapable of caring with the same intensity. It’s the biggest lie that ever existed. Men are nurturers and this can be coaxed out of them when they are brought up in an environment that allows them to reach deep within them and nourish this quality.  

Outdoor activities are healthy

By engaging in fun outdoor activities with their peers, boys create more time for nurturing friendships. It allows proper bonding among them and builds stronger friendships that last longer. They will inevitably fight at some point, but will also make up by figuring out healthy ways of resolving conflict among themselves with or without adult supervision. All relationships are complex and come with their highs and lows; people have to learn how to navigate these dynamics. In the end, love wins. 

It’s okay to need help

There are emotionally and mentally wounded men who are suffering in silence because society forbids them from depending on others. That they are the providers and must be strong. Societal expectations have taught them they have to move through the world with a certain tough brash of hyper-masculinity; they have to be on their own and independent. So they don’t speak up and it kills them. Boys should know from the onset it’s okay to need others and to be taken care of. They should ask for help.