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Hi Achokis.

I’m a single-mum to a 10-year-old boy. The boy’s father and I parted when he was two years old.

We had a serious disagreement and before I realised it, he was off with another woman.

This hurt me badly that I didn’t even want to see him again. I have single-handedly raised my boy though from time to time the father has wanted to be involved.

The boy has of late been asking a lot about his father. I have been battling whether or not to allow my son to know him.

I’m still struggling to forgive him even as I don’t want my son to be hurt by him. Should I allow this man into my son’s life? Please advise!

Our take

Thank you for your question. One thing that is important for you to realise is that no matter what happened between the two of you, the boy is innocent.

He needs to have his father in his life, especially if he has been showing that interest. 

Many a time men have been labelled deadbeat dads. However, sometimes it’s baby mamas who prevent them from playing their fatherly roles in their children’s lives.

It is important for a child, no matter the circumstances they find themselves in, to have the love, affection and attention of both parents.

That way, the child develops in an all-rounded manner and enjoys the benefit of having the input of both daddy and mummy in his/her life.

The ideal situation is where both parents are together, but in circumstances where that is not possible, having the other parent involved in the child’s life helps. 

Let go

The age at which your boy is is crucial and needs the father’s input. And so, if you can allow that, it will be beneficial to not just him, but to you as well. You need to let go of whatever grudge you have with this man.

By not forgiving this man, you are still burdened by him long after he left you and so, whether he is present in your child’s life or not is still affecting you.

Who knows this could just be the solution you need to bring proper closure to whatever you had. Letting go and forgiving him will help you move on, as well as help you co-parent the child in a way that is good for him. 

It will be good if you can involve a third-party, preferably a counsellor or your religious leader to help you walk through this.

Let this be an opportunity for healing for you so that you will not only be a good wife to somebody else, but most importantly be a good mother to this boy.

You don’t want to be looking at him with a lot of bitterness in your heart nor do you want him one day to blame you for not having allowed him to have that relationship with his father. The writers are marriage and relationship coaches [email protected]