Hi Achokis.

I’ve been in a relationship for the last three years. My husband is a good guy, but has some weaknesses, which I have tried to understand, but I’m now getting concerned.

He has cheated on me a couple of times and when I found out, he was sorry about it.

He even promised to change, but some time later, I discovered that he had done it again.

He doesn’t look organised as he spends most of the time at my place or his sister’s. I have never been to his place though he insists he has a place.

I’ve invested so much into this relationship and fear losing it even though I feel bad about it. Do I just persist and hope that he will change?  – Jane

Hi Jane.  There are many things that we fail to notice when we fall in love.  Everything is blissful until reality hits us.

Unfortunately, we sometimes see red flags, but ignore them because of how vested we are in the relationship and the fear of being without someone in our lives. 

Habits that cause pain

No one is perfect, but habits that cause pain and distress are detrimental to not only the relationship, but our well-being as well.

Your partner has cheated on you a couple of times, a one off could have been excusable, but when it becomes a habit, there is a cause for alarm. 

Does he just say sorry because he was caught or does he realise the pain he is causing you? Is he genuinely sorry?

What new thing will happen that hasn’t happened so far for him to change? 

Your second concern is that he isn’t organised. What does he do to support himself and eventually support both of you?

Have you confronted him concerning this?  Are you ready to support this kind of lifestyle? 

When a guy starts feeling comfortable in your place and being taken care of, he will not put effort to fend for himself and his girl.

The answers to these questions should make you consider continuing being in this relationship or not. 

No magic in marriage

Three years is such a long time and yes, the emotional, leave alone financial investment made may be huge.

But sometimes we need to stop and count our losses before it’s too late. Don’t let your fear of losing the relationship or what you have invested in it cloud your vision and judgment in making a decision that you will be proud of in future.

Your concern today might be your future pain if you don’t leave. On the other hand, leaving now may be painful considering the investments made.

But looking back later in life, you will realise you gained from the lessons learnt from this relationship.

Remember, marriage is not an abracadabra, magic or game where the frog turns into a prince.

If anything, the frog may just get bigger in marriage and it will be more painful to back off then.  

The writers are marriage and relationship coaches.  [email protected]