Hi Achokis.

I was married, but my ex and I separated six years ago. We have two children who stay with their paternal grandfather. My ex is now married and they have a daughter.

My parents feel that I should go back to my ex because his father has been taking care of my children.

On the other hand, I have a man who wants to take me as a second wife with the agreement that I take my children from my ex’s home. I’m confused.

I don’t know what to do though I feel like I should be someone’s wife by now. The only discussion between me and my ex is abuses. Help!

Our take

Thank you for reaching out for help. So your parents feel that you should go back to your ex who has moved on and is already married to someone else.

Why would you want to interfere with someone else’s marriage? Six years is such a long time, especially if the other person has moved on with someone else. 

It seems that your relationship with your ex is also not cordial and so, by trying to go back, you will only be opening up old wounds.

The reason your parents feel you should go back to him is because his father has been taking care of your children.

That is not a good enough reason to go back because those children also belong to that family.

It is his responsibility to take care of them and so you don’t have to feel like your ex’s family is doing you a favour.

You talk of having a man who wants to take you as a second wife with the agreement that you take your kids from their home.

How sure are you that one, your ex-husband will agree to that? Remember they are also his children and his father has been taking care of them all this time.

Two that this other man will take care of them. We have heard of cases where children suffer because of their step-Father or step-mother.

Before you get into any other relationship now, you need to make sure you are doing so for a good reason. You don’t want to repeat the same mistake. 

Respect yourself

It is important for you to heal properly from the previous marriage seeing that it has been an abusive one.

Being someone’s wife, whereas a good thing, should not be what defines you as a person.

You need to find your identity outside of your marital status. You also need to regain your self-esteem and respect yourself if you expect someone else to respect you and treat you decently. 

Why settle for second-best while you can get and be the best! Why jump from the frying pan into the fire by getting into someone else’s marriage?

Polygamous arrangements can be nasty. Getting married for the sake of running away from shame, meeting other people (including your parent)s’ expectations, or wanting a father to your children is not the right reason for getting married. The writers are marriage and relationship coaches,  [email protected]