Why parents are now trading rod for respect
By Kelvin Wilson, June 24, 2025Parenting in Kenya is undergoing a quiet revolution. Where once the guiding principle was “spare the rod and spoil the child,” a growing number of parents are rethinking this traditional wisdom.
Many Kenyan families are now turning to gentle parenting, an approach that emphasises empathy, communication, and mutual respect over fear and punishment.
“Talking to my children and helping them understand their mistakes is one of the most beautiful things I experience,” says Anita Mkalla, a mother from Mombasa.
“I prefer raising them in a friendly environment where they can speak freely, rather than one based on fear and punishment.”
Anita is among a growing number of Kenyan parents embracing gentle parenting. For her, this style allows her to build a closer, more emotionally secure relationship with her children.
“I’ve noticed that when I talk to them calmly, they tend to open up more. They express their feelings without fear. That wasn’t the case when I was growing up. Our parents rarely explained anything; we just obeyed,” she recalls.
Still, gentle parenting has its share of challenges. “Sometimes the children take advantage. They may refuse to follow instructions, knowing I won’t use corporal punishment,” she admits.
“In such cases, I feel forced to use the cane, not out of anger, but as a wake-up call. It’s difficult to stay fully gentle when peer pressure and external influences come into play.”
She explains that her approach tries to strike a balance.
I try to make them understand my expectations. If I tell them to do something, I explain why it matters. But when they keep repeating the same mistake, especially when I’ve warned them before, that’s when discipline has to take a firmer shape.”
Anita compares this approach with the traditional parenting style she experienced in her childhood.
“Back then, children were afraid of their parents. We avoided talking about personal issues. Some children even faced abuse from adults but stayed silent out of fear,” she says.
To her, gentle parenting allows for a better emotional bond. “It’s not about spoiling the child. It’s about guiding them while giving them space to express themselves. Respect replaces fear.”
Dr. Dominic Agoi, a psychologist, defines gentle parenting as “a comprehensive approach to raising children through empathy, understanding, and respectful communication, while still maintaining firm and clear boundaries.
Authoritarian parenting
According to Dr. Agoi, this approach stands in sharp contrast to traditional authoritarian parenting, which was rule-based, top-down, and often enforced through fear and punishment.
“In the past, parenting relied on unquestioned obedience. Children were expected to follow orders because ‘I said so’ was enough reason. There was little room for dialogue,” he explains.
However, things are changing. More Kenyan families are moving away from these strict models and adopting more emotionally aware practices.
“Modern parenting in Kenya is becoming increasingly democratic. Parents are engaging children in conversations and decisions. It’s a significant cultural shift,” Dr. Agoi notes.
He attributes this shift to several factors, including increased awareness of child psychology, exposure to global parenting trends through digital media, and the desire to heal from the trauma of harsh upbringings.
Urbanisation and evolving gender roles have also played a role.
Dr. Agoi highlights multiple benefits of gentle parenting: improved emotional intelligence, empathy, resilience, and better decision-making skills in children.
“It builds self-esteem, fosters independence, and strengthens the parent-child bond. Children raised this way often make choices based on understanding rather than fear.”
He also mentions that this approach reduces behavioural issues over time.
“When children feel safe and understood, they are more likely to cooperate and learn self-discipline.”
Despite its benefits, gentle parenting isn’t without drawbacks. Dr. Agoi cautions against the idealisation of the approach.
“Some parents misunderstand gentle parenting to mean avoiding all discipline. That’s not true. The goal is to discipline with understanding, not to eliminate it altogether. If parents don’t set clear boundaries, children may struggle to cope with disappointment or structure,” Dr. Agoi cautions.
He also notes that gentle parenting can lead to parental burnout.
“Trying to be emotionally available 24/7, avoiding yelling or punishment, and maintaining calm responses can be exhausting, especially if a child has intense emotional or behavioural needs,” Dr. Agoi says.
To balance empathy and discipline, he recommends consistency and structure.
“Set expectations clearly. Use natural consequences if a child refuses to wear a jacket; let them feel cold. Or withhold screen time for unfinished homework. Praise good behaviour, and always model the behaviour you want to see.”
He also encourages techniques like “time-ins” instead of “time-outs.” In a time-in, the parent sits with the child and helps them reflect on their behaviour, promoting emotional awareness.
Dr. Agoi emphasises that gentle parenting isn’t one-size-fits-all. “It should evolve with the child’s age and developmental stage. For toddlers, it’s about offering simple choices. For teenagers, it becomes more of a coaching role, listening without judgment and encouraging critical thinking,” Dr. Agoi says.
However, not all parents, especially from older generations, are comfortable with this change.
“Children today are too bold,” says Wilson Matuku, a retired doctor and grandfather of two.
“In our time, we respected elders without being asked. Today’s kids challenge everything. Even the way they dress or speak it’s like there are no limits,” Matuku says.
Matuku is sceptical about abandoning traditional discipline.
“When my grandchildren misbehave, I correct them. If they repeat the mistake, I will use the cane. Not to hurt, but to teach,” Matuku says.
Yet he does acknowledge one positive aspect of gentle parenting: openness. “At least now, children talk to their parents. That’s a good thing. In our day, you couldn’t tell your father anything.”
Still, he warns against excessive leniency. “Soft parenting, if unchecked, could lead to a generation with no boundaries. There must be a balance,” Matuku says.
As more Kenyan families navigate modern pressures, peer influence, mental health issues, and academic stress, the need for emotionally intelligent parenting grows.
Gentle parenting, when done correctly, offers a roadmap for raising resilient, emotionally healthy children. But as both experts and parents point out, it requires intentionality, consistency, and balance.
Whether one chooses traditional methods, gentle approaches, or a mix of both, the goal remains the same: raising responsible, compassionate, and well-adjusted individuals.
In Anita’s words: “Gentle parenting is not about being soft—it’s about being strong in the right way. My children know I’m their parent and also someone they can trust.”