Sandra Wekesa @wekesa_sandra

When people get married, they make all sorts of promises. Even marriage vows made on the wedding day are by nature, a series of promises and expectations.

Many people have expectations of how marriage should enhance their lives.

Others have a long list of needs they expect their significant others to meet.

And when their relationships don’t match up to this, some turn their attention away from their marriages.

Surprisingly, some expectations are built during the dating phase. For instance, Peter Irungu, who has been married for two years, believes that women tend to pretend a lot while they are dating.

“We have a generation that doesn’t want to stay committed and loyal and that is why many people fear marriage.

Take a look at my marriage—at first there were feelings of excitement, joy, exhilaration, and anticipation.

Our sex life was amazing. But now, intimacy has reduced taking a toll on our relationship,” he reveals. 

Dating is important in relationships because it helps you get to know one another better.

However, experts argue that early on in a relationship, both partners put their best foot forward, showing off the most pleasant, polished versions of themselves.

Then time passes, they grow more and more comfortable with each other. Eventually, they get married and well, they change. Irungu attributes infidelity and polygamy to this.

He says dating deceit blinds people and by the time one realises it, they are already married to the wrong person

Felista Nduku who has been married for seven years agrees. “I remember he would often come home with chocolates, flowers, and anything nice in the evening. I don’t know what happened along the way.

But it happened too soon, we hadn’t even had our first child and I was already feeling the distance,” she says.

In his book,  The Marriage Turnaround, family therapist Mitch Temple says hurt, disappointment and frustration result when there is a wide gap between what we expect and what actually happens. 

Over the year’s, expectations about marriage have changed significantly. Unlike in the past where marriage was about companionship, friendship, finding a soulmate and raising children, today people have extended the list to include gaining status, financial security, among others.

Expectations within marriage can also fall into different areas ranging from physical fulfillment to household responsibilities:

There is a common assumption reinforced by romantic novels and movies that finding the right one will lead to happiness. 

Problematic trend

Nicoleta Mungai, a marriage therapist at Kenya Marriage Counselling, says the issue of expectations is a problematic trend among today’s couples. 

 “The whole issue of thinking that your spouse should always do certain things is what results to violence and even unacceptable situations such as abusive relationships,” she says.

She says there is no way you can match up high standards if your partner is struggling with poor communication skills, high stress levels or too little time devoted on the relationship.

“I am certain that many couples don’t really know what is reasonable to expect in a marriage and that is one of the major problems that leads to divorce.

Therefore, when couples visit me having such a problem, I try and understand where they are coming from and what is their understanding of a happy marriage,” she says.

The work of couples therapists John and Julie Gottman provides some answers to the question of what is reasonable to expect in a happy marriage.

In their research, the Gottmans observed thousands of “happy couples” and identified common characteristics of those marriages (Gottman, 1999). 

Maintaining a friendship, creating a satisfying sex life together, and arguing in constructive ways were all high on the list.

With regard to expectations, the Gottmans’ work pointed out that there will be problems that are solvable and those that are not.

Once that reality is accepted, a couple can move on to solving the solvable ones and finding ways to manage the unsolvable ones, with less frustration about the latter. 

Mungai advocates for premarital classes, which helps lovers get a picture of what they are up to when they decide to get married. 

 On his part, Shadrack Kyove, a psychologist, says sometimes what changes is what we want from a partner.

He adds that you might have been drawn towards a grounded person as he appears calm and collected, but years later you may wish for him to be adventurous.  

Or perhaps, your partner has a change on how they view things, “So in such instances what do you do when already your perception about marriage means promises and the reality actually means changes?” he poses.

He believes that it is not always fair to blame your partner for changing as they go through life because that is what life is all about. 

“It is not a betrayal when your partner feels different from how they felt when you first got married.

At the end of day, it is important to know that nobody is perfect,” he says. So, what are we to do then, when marriage means promises and reality means we are going to change and what we promised may no longer be possible?