While natural experimentation with the body may be part of growing up, parents can help their children recognise healthy boundaries for this form of touch, no matter how uncomfortable the topic is.

Sandra Wekesa @wekesa_sandra

Not long ago, Winnie Mwikali, realised her 12-year-old son had developed a habit of playing with his genitals.

Although it seemed normal because he didn’t do it in private, she became concerned when he did it while watching clips on his laptop. On many accounts, she unfruitfully tried to engage him. 

“I was worried that I would be giving him more information than he already knew about masturbation and if I ignored it, I would be submitting him to the wrath of addiction,” she explains.

“Sometime, it’s safer to remain silent than to get furious and attack them. When you attack them, they will become aware of what is happening and would want to explore more,” she adds.

She decided to closely monitor what the child was doing and watching on his tablet.

“I knew, he might have had this conversation with his circle of friends in school and I was afraid that this would develop into a bad habit, especially since he was old enough to understand,” she explains.

Although a child’s interest in their genitals is a normal part of sexual development, sometimes it might cause embarrassment to a parent or a caregiver. But how exactly do you approach this situation?

Elmard Rigan, psychological counsellor, admits that the conversation about masturbation is still considered a taboo in some quarters because, the societal norm does not approve of it, there is inaccurate information regarding masturbation and there are few support groups that seek to help those who want to break the addiction cycle.

He explains that touching of genitals is often noticed in children who are aged between three and six as is postulated by Sigmund Freud in his psychosexual development theory.

Keep an eye on them early

Children at this age typically become more aware of their bodies and stratify their curiosity by undressing and noticing the difference in their bodies and those of peers “Given that the phallic stage (touching of genitals) is quite normal for children aged between three and six years, a parent or care giver should be more keen in noticing over indulgence in touching of the genitals as it could be a sign of injury or infection,” he says.

 However, the touching of genitals can also lead to addiction as the child grows depending on certain things. “In many cases it could depend on whether the child is exposed to media that shows touching of genitals, if the caregiver intentionally exposes the child or teen to explicit content or if the child or teen is sexually abused by the care giver,” he adds.

According to him, technology has a role to play in the realm of masturbation. Multiple studies indicate that a majority of masturbation addicts started out by watching explicit content, which is readily available on the internet. He says that having been exposed to explicit content multiple times, over time, most addicts no longer need visual stimulation to achieve sexual gratification. 

Brian Otieno, a psychologist, says sometimes parents tend to think that when their children touch their genitals at a young age that is normal, but when they do it in their teenage years that should bring a reaction. 

He adds that this is wrong because as a parent, you might be normalising masturbation. “Let’s face it, sometimes children tend to poke, touch or even play around with their genitals and this is considered normal because they are children; they are just getting to understand themselves. But it is not the case when they grow up and still pick up the old habit, this is why it is always good to warn them at an early age,” he advises. 

Age-related conversation

Psychologists stress on the need for age related conversation. For young children aged three and four, they seldom imagine anything sexual when they self-pleasure.

They are just enjoying a new physical sensation. It’s best to start a conversation with them by explaining that just as picking their nose in public isn’t something we do, so is touching  private parts in public or private, except when cleaning them in a bath or shower, or at a check-up with a doctor.

But when the self-stimulating urge seems to become more frequent, parents should give more affection to children — ruffling their hair, holding or hugging them.

Beginning a conversation about masturbation tends to be easier when children are five to eight years because they are more likely to talk openly.

Masturbation is sometimes used as self-soothing behaviour for school-age children, especially if they feel lonely or rejected by classmates. 

By the time your children reach the tween years, between eight to 12 years, they are probably more aware of the existence of masturbation.

Parents should continue to give their children a context for what they see or hear at school or in the media.

Have a serious talk at about age 11, whether it’s an official sit-down or a spontaneous conversation prompted by something seen on television or a comment by a child at school.

What you say to your tween depends on the strength of your relationship with him or her and your comfort level.