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A new baby brings a lot of joy to a family, but it’s also a major change that comes with an adjustment period of equal proportion, especially when you have another child.

With your first child, as a parent, you are focused on figuring out how to care of a baby. With the second baby, you are likely to wonder how your older child will react to having a new sibling, (often crying) — and how you are going to meet both of their needs. 

But parents can prepare children for an addition to the family. Discussing the pregnancy in terms that make sense to children.

Making some arrangements, and including children in the care of the newborn can make things easier for everyone.

Damaris Moragwa Mauti is a mother of two girls— Samantha aged 11 years and Samara who is six months old. She is a medical sociologist, community strategist, sexual health reproductive advocate and currently working as a health promoter.

Her second pregnancy journey wasn’t a smooth one, but her daughter, Samantha was of great support and a source of hope and inspiration for her.

Samantha was excited and thrilled when she learnt that she would have a sibling despite the challenges her mum went through.

Loving big sister

“I tried terminating the pregnancy at eight weeks. I was really traumatised and didn’t want to continue carrying the pregnancy due to my unsupportive partner who was abusing me both financially and psychologically,” says Damaris.

She adds: “I told Samantha I had miscarried. The news really traumatised her as she was really happy that I was pregnant. However, there was this particular day I went to hospital due to stomach is sues.

That is when I discovered I was five months pregnant—it turned out I didn’t succed in terminating the pregnancy.

I had to prepare my daughter again about that development. I must say that I have never seen her so overwhelmed with joy. She would accompany me to clinics when she was not at school.”

For several days, Damaris and her daughter planned on how they would shop for the baby. “We shopped for three days at different areas. We dedicated a day to search for a name for the baby and settled on Samara which means “protected by God” based on the ordeal I went through. I ensured that I actively involved her in my every day progress. On August 24, 2021, I delivered baby Samara through emergency CS,” Damaris explains.

While at the hospital, she kept updating Samantha how they were fairing on. “On that day, she video called just to take a look at her loving sister and we would talk every day after her school hours till we were discharged from hospital. She wanted to take three days off from school to be with her sister, but I had to persuade her not to interrupt her studies. She says having a sibling was the best gift I gave to her. She loves and adores her sister too much. They have a strong bond  and she always wants to be by her side” Damaris says.

Damaris trained Samantha on how to take care of her sister. “She would select the clothes that she would wear, bathe and clothe her and take her out to bask in the sun. She told all her friends about her sister. The worst moment was when I was infected with Covid-19 the second time. It was a heartbreaking moment for her, but God saw us through,” she says.

Don’t neglect the elder sibling

Damaris says motherhood is never an easy journey since many women have to balance it with many aspects of life such as education, work, house chores among others. “A new born may bring joy to a mother, but sometimes not to the siblings. It is, therefore, important to ensure you prepare your child for her/his sibling, otherwise they will start feeling neglected and unloved,” she says.

Though the first few months after delivery were never easy for Damaris since she had undergone an emergency CS, she ensured that she helped Samantha with her homework and other school activities.

“I tried my best to make sure she felt loved and not neglected. Importantly, I had an honest conversation with her to make her understand the needs of the baby so that it would be easy for her and she would take everything positively,” she says.

As parents, it is important to note that the more time your child has to get used to the idea of a new baby, the better. When a mum is pregnant, Damaris says it is good to tell your child as soon as the pregnancy begins to show. “Parents need to give children as much time as possible to ask all the questions they need to and make them understand that a new addition is a positive thing for the family. It’s a change that takes time to get used to,” she says.

Claire Omolo, a psychologist and mental health consultant at the Nairobi Parenting Clinic concurs. She  says parents who are preparing for the arrival of another child should let the other child’s (children) questions be the guide. “There are children who will be curious about where children come from, hence as a parent you can explain to them in the simplest language for example, “from mum’s belly .“ The language used should be that which is age conscious. Do not use ambiguous terms for a toddler. Also, allow your child or children to fully express themselves as they ask these questions,” explains Claire.

The expert says children who are not prepared for the arrival of a new baby may have maladjustment issues. In other words, they may not know how to handle the entire issue or their role.“It may also create some sort of rivalry between siblings. They may feel left out because normally when a child comes into the picture, a lot of attention is drifted towards them hence making the other children feel neglected,” Claire adds.

The changes and emotions are definitely never the same for siblings of all ages.“Children under two years won’t realise it. It is hard on those between the ages of two and fourbecause they are still attached to their parents. For teenagers, they may handle it much better,” she says.

As a parent, Claire says understanding that jealousy is a common emotion experienced by an older child when a new one comes in is important.

“However, it is important to  include your older child/children in decision making , for example. helping out in buying toys, new baby clothes, preparing the child’s room, among others. Seek for professional help, know how to deal with all these emotions and changes or ask for help from friends who have gone through similar experiences. Every day is a learning experience,” she says.