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Nduati wa Gichere took a second wife just to fulfill his father’s wishes. And though it didn’t work, he drew a lot of lessons from it.

Harriet James @PeopleDailyKe

Decades ago, men took multiple wives citing the need to have a large family to help with farm labour and to continue their name through the many offspring produced.

This was in the event children died or one wife was infertile. There is also the myth that men are polygamous in nature and this too has given many of them an excuse to be involved with many women todate.  

However, Nduati wa Gichere found himself a polygamist  by fate. He had married a Tanzanian wife in  the early 70s, but was eventually compelled to marry a wife from his Kikuyu community.

“I had a steady relationship with a Tanzanian woman since1972 while I was still in college.

After school, I got a job in Tanzania in February 1975. I worked for Otis Elevators and Tanzania Housing Bank until 1982 when  I came back to Kenya,” he recalls.

Father’s words

After his return, Nduati’s mother said that his late father, who used to administer oaths to Mau Mau during the fight for independence, was against intermarriages. His father had been killed in 1944  for his affiliation with Mau Mau. 

“I already had three children with my Tanzanian wife. I didn’t want to marry another wife because I loved my wife.

I couldn’t imagine telling my wife to go away, after spending all those years with her. But I  had to appease my dead father’s spirits.

We talked and she understood the situation and allowed me to take a second wife,” he explains.  

“We don’t have many obstacles in the Kikuyu community, but when a father says something like that, I believed he had his own reasons,” explains Nduati.

Nduati married a second wife in 1985 after paying for her dowry. She bore him two sets of twins.

To maintain peace in the home, the two women did not share a house. He built houses for them in Githunguri, Kiambu.

His second wife’s house was located six kilometres from his first wife’s house. Life went on well, until something happened…

“A woman who was taking care of my children told me that she saw my second wife adding ‘medicine’ on the tea while serving me.

I never used to take tea leaves on medical grounds, so when I checked it out, I found that my second wife used charm to make me love her more,” hesays. 

Nothing to write home about

What shocked him was when he asked her to take the tea with her, after finding out what she had done. She refused!

As a result, they broke up with his second wife in 1994. Nothing happened to him or his family, even after his Kikuyu wife left.

Numerous research studies have been done on the matter of polygamy. Unhappiness, loneliness, sense of competition and jealousy, and lack of intimacy with the spouse have been identified as disadvantages of polygamy.

Allan Lawrence, a counselling psychologist and relationship expert says that polygamy does more harm than good.

It is the source of many issues and conflicts particularly when it comes to wealth, inheritance and bad blood among the family.

“It brings many children in the picture. Some men don’t have money, but sire children without caring how to raise them.

They even don’t think of the quality of life they give their children with the current economic situation,” he says.

Nduati concurs. “Polygamous marriage is not good for the current generation unless you have a lot of resources. Also, it’s not possible to share love equally with each one of the wives,” he adds.

Allan notes that many men today opt for polygamous affairs just to experiment and enjoy the chase.

“Before they know it, they’re in a situationship that leads to a relationship then marriage. Others get in because the  role models and idols that they look up to are in the same situation.

They might also be running away from the reality of solving issues in their current relationship, so they’ tend to run into another marriage or relationship as a rescue mission from another relationship,” explains Allan. 

What works

This year, Nduati celebrates 50 years of marriage with his first wife. According to him, open communication is what has kept his marriage with his first wife standing over the years, even when he brought his second wife into their lives. “If there is love, it covers a multitude of weaknesses,” he says. 

When it comes to marrying a second wife, Nduati advises men to be open about it and share it with their first wives.

“No one in the world is perfect and each and every person has their own weakness. Whatever reasons you have for wanting to marry another wife, do not get married until you talk over with your first wife.

Make arrangements of how your family will run. As for the women, do not say you cannot share a man, because you may be doing so without your knowledge. ” he says.

Nduati, a father of 14 children, two of whom are deceased, ensures that he treats all his children the same though most of them are working and are already established in their fields. 

“Though I’m now born again, I’m not a dictator to my children. I just ensure that what I don’t want, my children won’t do it near me.

For instance, they can’t just come to drink and smoke in my house, that’s unacceptable,” he notes.