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Whatever happened to those girls who answered, “Hi too” when you said, “Hi.” Where did they all go? The ones who would neatly organise shoes in the fridge? And the men who actually wanted to marry village girls, do they still exist and if they do, are they now priests because, well there seems like we have no more village girls left? 

You know, the wife materials who made the rest of us look like devil wives because the only material we possessed were the handkerchiefs we wore to score in clubs— which well, we all know is the modern day Sodom and Gomorrah. The girls that actually drew maps with their feet when men promised them heaven (read chips, sausage and soda). But the guy who included kuku pono in that equation took it all, he sealed it. Kaput, we’re done, he’s the one. Mr Right

Well, I have a feeling these girls must have metamorphosed to the ones who talk while chewing hard and shaking one leg profusely and oh, moving the fingers in equal speed. The ones that scratch their wigs/weaves with all five fingers when the rest of them (decent women, ahem) just tap where it itches and if it gets worse, the index finger does the magic— you just have to do it with swag, and qualify to sit on the table of ‘decent’ women. 

I highly suspect that these ‘Hi too’ girls must be the ones that change outfits in clubs. The ones that look ever fresh, make-up still on point even at 3am. And they walk in crowds, dare you mess up with one of them. That’s when ‘Hi too’ comes out in full gear. Remember the nails they massacred while blushing, every time a man talked to them? Well, they’ve found a way to cover the evidence.

You’ll now see them in long, colourful stick-ons. Don’t get me started on the eyebrows. You’ll be forgiven to think they grew feathers when the rest of us managed our God given lashes. Thanks to the sprouting scent shops, they manage to smell average— who wouldn’t, when all you need is Sh100 to fill up a scent? I’m just out here trying to help that guy who wanted a village girl for a wife. That’s how you spot them. And oh, they no longer say, ‘Hi too’ they’ve graduated, it’s a ‘Hae’ ‘Hei’…