Every parent struggles with how to raise children who will grow up to be respectful, caring and capable members of the society.

While decades ago parents practised authoritarian style of parenting —  a strict parenting fashion characterised by high expectations and very little in the way of feedback and nurturing, this method was criticised, especially by child psychologists as it was not based on a warm, mutually understanding relationship. Children born of authoritarians parents would remember hearing their father opening the gate and scamp for ‘safety’ or being yelled at by their mothers who gave instructions in the opposite.

In the recent times, gentle parenting has become the most popular style and though it has been around for a while, it has been amplified in this age of social media and internet.

So, what exactly is gentle parenting? Does it mean that there are no boundaries and that children can run wild as we calmly guide them?

Compassion versus boundaries

Penninah Wanda, an educational practitioner says gentle parenting is an evidence approach to raising happy, confident children. “This parenting style is composed of four main pillars empathy, respect, understanding boundaries and focusses on fostering the values you want in your child by being compassionate and enforcing consistent boundaries,” she adds.

It refers to a parenting style that acknowledges children need both connection (warmth, responsiveness, kindness, gentleness) and structure (routines, expectations, skill-building).

Geraldine Wambua, a mother of two children aged 16 and five years says gentle parenting has worked well for her. To her, gentle parenting doesn’t mean the child goes unpunished, rather using more gentle ways of administering punishment.

“It involves understanding a child’s personality, a loud child is different from a quiet child. Helping embrace their personalities makes them express themselves differently and it helps a parent to avoid imposing or rather dictating how children should express themselves,” she says.

She explains that instead of just caning a child, when he/she makes a mistake, she goes to the root of the matter to get the reason a child behaved the way they did, and uses a calm voice when admonishing the little ones. 

“As Africans, we grow up thinking yelling is our answer when children anger us. But instead, it elevates and worsens the situation. I teach my children to express themselves without having to yell and I control myself from yelling, which has worked,” she reveals.

Creating a safe space for children, where they grow up knowing home is where they are loved and they can always air out their grievances without being judged should be a parent’s top priority.

“As a parent I believe in the power of an apology. I need to apologise when I am wrong and my babies need to do the same. I don’t have to be the first to always reach out and ask why something was done in a certain way and not the other and when I wrong them, they need to let me know I have wronged them,” says Wambua.

Those who practice gentle parenting also take into account a child’s age when determining the type of discipline to use and how to approach behavioural issues. Too often, children are punished for simply being a child— not having the neurological maturity to behave any other way.

Wanda says instead of training children to meet the expectations of adults, we should be training adults to meet the psychological emotional and development needs of children.

“Parents should note that gentle parenting is not asking your child to do something in a gentle voice over and over again. Gentle parenting is actually helping your child achieve whatever goal you set with an understanding that their brains are still developing,” she adds.

However, the expert notes that most people confuse permissive and gentle parenting. Permissive parents often struggle with situations that require rule-following and structure. Gentle parenting strikes a balance between tiger parenting and permissive parenting style, offering guidance and support, while also clearly defining boundaries.

Communication is key

She further notes the importance of working together as parents. “Most parents are faced with a difficult situation of getting their partners on board when it comes to gentle parenting because of the traditional way of bringing up children. However, creating a healthy, loving relationship, where each partner feels supported and valued and can communicate goes a long way,” she says.

She adds that one way of doing this is by getting curious about a mistake your child has done instead of reacting angrily, creating a safe space to talk through any parenting mistakes or disagreements, and being a true teammate during the whole process of raising your child.

On his part, Elmard Onditi, a counselling psychologist says that gentle parenting can help build strong relationships with your children, promote emotional intelligence and self-regulation, and reduce behaviour problems.

“This style of parenting focuses on understanding and meeting the needs of children rather than using punishment and rewards to control behaviour. It further emphasises on the importance of respectful communication in parenting,” he says.

He adds that gentle discipline can help parents guide their children’s behaviour without using punishment or coercion and instead focus on offering choices, and setting boundaries in a gentle and firm manner. Use of reflective listening and empathetic responses help children regulate their emotions.

Gentle parenting further promotes social-emotional development, cognitive development, and academic success and helps reduce the risk of behaviour problems and mental health issues in children.

“There is a deeper philosophy behind gentle parenting, which in most times is prioritising connection over control and can have a long-lasting benefit for both the child and the parent,” he says.