Fear of tears and why it is crucial for men to cry

All human beings are naturally designed to cry and there are many reasons people will shed tears. Could be the eyes natural way of clearing dirt, tear induced by cutting onions, smoke or as a result of expressing sad or happy emotions.

Tears are naturally in the eyes to keep the eyes lubricated and protected against germs and bacteria.

But well, as healthy as tears have been proven to be for all human beings, society largely considers it a taboo for men to express their emotions through shedding of tears

Cyrus Ngonyo, 27, shares that it is close to impossible for anyone to ever catch him crying as it is ‘less-manly’. “I do cry, but then it also depends with the situation. But what I completely can’t do is cry in front of people. If I have to… I will do it secretly—for instance in the toilet. This way, no one catches me crying. As a man, if you expose your emotions by crying, many people would see you as useless,” shares Cyrus.

He alternatively channels the emotions, which would have been let out through crying, in other ways such as talking or exercises such as running.

Equally, James Katana, a 34-year-old spare parts trader explains that as much as he might be unable to hold back tears in some situations, a man should never wail or scream as this is just plain cowardice. 

“As a man, don’t cry out loud in front of people. You might not be able to hold back a few tears, but do it silently. The sound given out during crying is now the actual taboo. Also, shedding tears depends with the circumstances. If it is a funeral and you have lost a loved one, it is okay to cry… but getting emotional at your wedding the way the bride also gets emotional is a no-no for me. You just can’t be that happy. Or say, crying because your girlfriend dumped you… just accept and move on. That’s nothing to shed tears about. There are more pressing matters in this life,” he shares. 

Negative coping mechanism

For a long time, crying has largely been considered as weakness in our society. Many men are socialised from a young age not to cry unlike women. But psychologists say this might actually have a negative impact on a person’s health.

“When we shame the natural act of crying, people end up suppressing their emotions, which eventually causes more stress. This makes individuals to find negative ways to let out stress, such as substance abuse, whether alcohol or drugs. Substances abuse ends up causing more harm to the body and does not deal with the stress. Studies indicate that when an individual is under stress, they release stress hormones in their bodies. Crying is one way of getting rid of stress in the body.  It enables people to calm themselves, if they are overwhelmed by sad emotions,” shares psychologist Tracy Nyaguthii.  

The expert says crying is another way of alleviating pain. The body releases endorphins and oxytocin, which helps an individual feel good and reduce pain. It could be physical or emotional. The release of these feel-good hormones improves your mood and hence relief.

“The frequency of crying differs from one person to another. There are those who are more empathetic or sympathetic than others. While it is normal for human beings to cry, there are times when people struggle to cry. People could have eye problems that can cause their eyes to be dry or have tear duct issues. Other times, people are overwhelmed by issues such that they numb their emotions. Traumatic situations can cause people to be distant from their emotions. Research indicates that many people diagnosed with clinical depression cry less. This is because many of them are not in tune with their emotions and have a flattened affect. As a result, they do not enjoy the benefits of crying,” she says.

Support each other

There is ample evidence to suggest that crying in public can have some benefits too. Crying can provoke emotional support from others – for instance, we are quicker to deduce that crying faces are in need of support, and we’re more inclined to give support to criers.

However, when people randomly cry in a work situation, the psychologist says it is important for fellow work mates to find ways to support each other. Maybe they need a break. And not to forget that we are still in a pandemic and people are going through a lot of challenges, many have lost loved ones, not to forget the high cost of living. It is important that work environment provide mental health support for such breakdowns. Nyaguthii further advises that work environments should normalise mental health and encourage people to go for counselling.

“Whereas it is healthy to cry, doing so at work depends on an individual’s environment or situation. If an individual is crying when giving a presentation or at a meeting, they can be perceived as weak, that can look bad in front of a boss,” she says.