Where did you meet your better half or your last ex-lover? Was it at a church kesha or a night rave?

Are those people who meet in a kesha guaranteed a more lasting relationship compared to those who meet in a bar?

These questions plague so many young people’s minds as they try to figure out where to best place themselves ready to meet and mingle.

That there seems to be no discernible pattern with relationships of those who met in church crumbling at times faster than those who frequent konyagi dens further compounding issues.

Catherine Gachutha, a leading counselling psychologist says that the place that couples meet for the first time greatly affects how the relationship progresses.

Religious institutions have a way of making couples sober, objective, humble, and forthright while meeting at a bar cultivates other values on the opposite end of the spectrum mainly because couples tend to frequent the place they met first several times after.

However, Benjamin Zulu, a renowned life coach, and relationship therapist weighs in saying that it is not about the where, but more about the actions that follow.

Setting a precedent

“Where and how you meet sets a precedent for the rest of your lives together.

If you meet online and agree to a house date after one direct message, he or she has grounds to wonder if you do that with everyone who messages you.

If you meet a married man or an engaged man and have an affair with him, yet expect him to be faithful to you, you should know that beautiful ones are still being born.

You are also aging, and soon you will be the woman you replaced, replaced by a younger newer model.

The actions that follow the meeting matter more as they act as precedents for future decisions and actions in the relationship,” Zulu explains.

He emphasises the importance of men being led by the right head as only then can they do a proper character analysis of the person they met and decide on the suitability of the relationship based solely on character rather than on the meeting place.

He challenges men and women to look at the overall character of a person and see if they match what they would like in their future spouses.

In the heat of initial chemistry, people tend to assume things and only see their newly found partners as what they are looking for other than what they are. 

He gives the example of the assumption that all women are neat, clean, and tidy which stems from men’s need to find a neat clean woman who will make their bachelor’s pad into a home.

The truth of the matter is that most women are untidy. Just look back at your family, you can count the number of clean and tidy sisters or female cousins that you have, he challenges.

You should, therefore look keenly at what you are looking for in a partner, examine why you are looking for that quality-do you truly want it or is it because society told you to want it?

Then give you and your partner time to learn if you are right for each other and if you have all these qualities you are both looking for. 

A meeting place of age

He further argues that the age you meet at is an important determinant of whether the relationship flies or crashes.

“There is a certain age women reach where they are financially independent and ready to settle mostly due to societal pressure.

At this point, they argue they are ready to settle with any man as they have the money to bankroll any project their man wants no matter how young they are.

Thing is, our thoughts and reactions are shaped by our experiences. Say the woman is hard at work every day fielding important client calls, they might miss a call from their boyfriend, who say is a university student.

He may not understand why she is not picking up and might follow up with 25 consecutive calls.

This is a simple thing that they might not be able to see eye to eye on, but they will have bigger and more complex challenges to deal with as time moves.

The importance of considering age and a person’s exposure and aptitude are important determinants of whether the relationship will be a success,” Zulu further elaborates.

Catherine wholly concurs with this. If a couple meets when they are both young and with unstable identities, they will not have a long relationship as they both evolve and find themselves.

This is why people who meet and date when they are older and mature tend to have longer and more fulfilling relationships. 

But all is not lost for those couples who meet at the wrong place or age, relationships, or geography, Catherine says.

A couple can decide to forge a new path despite a murky meeting and even murkier relationship context. 

If cheating was there before or partners had adopted inappropriate behaviour, which impact the relationship negatively, they can decide to restart afresh by admitting that certain behaviour are damaging to a spousal relationship and consciously choose to do better.

Such acceptance without blaming each other can help them to advance other corrective behaviour, which nurture and strengthen their relationship.