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After being married for nine years, Mboya Orinda found himself facing one of the most difficult hurdles in life; divorce.

In January 2020, he and his wife parted ways and filed for divorce shortly after.

They have two children aged 12 and 10 and one of the toughest part was watching how this separation affected them. 

“It was hard for the children, it still is. They were devastated; they even tried saving our marriage.

I remember my son offering me his room to stay, so that I don’t have to leave during one of my visitation days,” he recalls.  

The couple opted to see a therapist to assist them heal. In addition, before they broke the news of their separation, they spoke with a child psychologist who helped them map out how to speak to their children.

Mboya’s main role was to reassure his children of his love regardless of what happened between him and the mother.  

“I have had to help them not to feel like they have any role to play in causing the divorce or in fixing things.

I realised I needed to heal my relationship with my children for them to feel safer and less fearful after the divorce.

So, I’m putting in a lot of work in having an authentic loving relationship with my children. It’s work in progress,” he adds. 

First Christmas without children

Mboya did not have a job at the time of separation, hence the best option was for the children to stay with the mother while he visited them or had the children visit him.

What makes him sad are the memories. Mboya recalls how Christmas was always time spent with both their families upcountry. 

Last year, he travelled with the children upcountry according to their tradition.

This year, it’s his ex-wife’s turn to be with the children, making it one of the loneliest ones he’s ever had. 

“This will be my first Christmas without the children near me. Honestly, I don’t feel the Christmas magic without my children next to me. That part still hurts,” he laments. 

The holiday season is here and everyone is excited to be with family and friends but it’s a tough time for those divorced or separated.

So for some, it’s a season that magnifies loneliness whilst coming to terms with the fact that one is now single and no longer with their ex and children.

“Such moments can stir up negative emotions that are usually manageable with the distractions of your normal, daily routine.

But with Christmas, it’s more challenging as one’s focus shifts to where the children and  ex will be, what they will do and who they will spend time with,” says psychologist Dr Anthony Ireri. 

However, he notes that it depends with individuals involved, as every divorce is different.

While some individuals find it challenging coping with the emotional roller-coaster, others find the new practical challenges they face the difficult part.

However, the ripple effect of the separation can result in so much stress and depression during Christmas. 

For Mboya, this Christmas, he will travel to be with his extended family upcountry and since he won’t be with his children, he will make a video call. He also plans to give them gifts.

He shares how his healing journey has not been that of trying to eliminate his pain, but about understanding his pain, and his role in creating it. 

The healing journey

“For me, it has been about accepting myself with grace, and accepting things that I can’t control.

Healing for me has meant opening my shadow self and talking to my skeletons — I mean, my fears, my insecurities, my childhood trauma and all that.

I learned that the divorce wasn’t the wound that happened to me, it happened to an already wounded me.

So, healing has meant going back to my past and facing the real wounds that made divorce painful,” he explains. 

As part of his healing, Mboya decided to turn to yoga to help him have a different perspective and takes one day at a time to prevent him from drowning in the pain of the past or fears of the present.

He also spends time with friends and being an introvert, ensures that he enjoys his alone moments. 

“For couples going through this, first don’t give up on your children. It heals them to see you always showing up for them.

And it’s not about the money, it’s about showing up. I speak with my children almost every day on phone and sometimes, I walk from Buru Buru to Rongai (over 17  kilometres) just to see them when I don’t have bus fare.

One time I arrived so tired, we just hugged for a few moments and I left because I needed another three hours to walk back home.

Create a culture of consistently showing up and hugging them and telling them you love them,” he advises. 

Make sacrifices

Dr Ireri notes that divorced parents need to make sacrifices that will benefit their children during Christmas. 

“Don’t make your children be caught up in a loyalty bind or make them feel guilty for loving either of the parents.

You have to think about what is always in the children’s best interest and also ensure they don’t get to see parents fighting with each other,” he says. 

He shares how parents should agree on visitation schedule, especially during Christmas.

“Also, collaborate with your ex about presents so that there is no competition over who brought the best present.

Don’t undermine the present of the other person. Be adults,” he adds. 

If it works, you can plan to spend Christmas together for the sake of the children.

However, where there is animosity, it is best to just schedule turns as to who will have the children.