Census? We shall prepare indeed… the Kenyan way

There are public holidays and then there are public holidays in Kenya. We have a second one this month. In about a week’s time. And I know plans for the day are already set.  Ooh scratch that.

Plans for the eve of the public holiday. On the eve by 3pm, minds shift. They’re hukoooo dundain. Someone would say, “Budaa si we call it a day and check in huko Whiskey…” And the paree kicks as early as 3pm, we deal with Mututho later.

Ka nyamchom here and there. Everyone makes sure food has sat heavy in their stomachs. Time for the main course, ‘drinx na ma yengs’. Only the 7’Oclock light will remind them it’s home time. 

Si people have slept in the morning, then they wake up to toa lock, which ends in another drinking spree? So, I ask what’s this holiday for? (No I wasn’t one of those kimbelees who went to remind teachers in the staffroom that they were late for class).

But I don’t think my country people would prepare for anyone’s census. Ati they just chill indoors and prepare to be counted like Egyptians or were they Israelites? Hmm.

By the time that census guy knocks on the door, one guy is sleeping and hugging the toilet in that order. The next didn’t make it to bed, he’s on the floor, snoring a good one.

Another is still at the bar unleashing bottle tops evidence against the scandal that is the barmaid. “Ukifunua na weka, hizi ndio nilikunywa.” Busted! Still he will only check the total as long as he confirms 15 bottle tops he had in his pocket.

But the barmaid ain’t letting it go easy. Not without a fight. She goes to the kitchen and cooks those figures, spicy hot. Two plus two is 10 kind of math. 

Everyone wins. Except the census guy. Si they say humans tell the truth when drunk. Secrets kick those closet doors wide open. Sonko style. And deadbeats declare their offspring.

“Wawili wako hapa. Wanne nje.  ‘No wait, sita nje.” Then wife throws some threatening look his way. “Aaah, namaanisha ng’ombe sita.” Do these guys carry erasers with them? I foresee a chaotic one. Oh my bad, we are digital now. 

For those who will actually sit in and prepare for the census, God bless your soul. The country owes you. You shall be heftily rewarded. If githeri man got a presidential award, who are you not to? 

But is someone seriously expecting Kenyans to prepare for this? Unless we are talking about the counters. But for us countees, see you at dundaa. Don’t get anyone wrong. We stand to be counted, they can send some guys over you’ll find us all there preparing, the best way we know how…volume iko sawa?