How do you discipline a pre-teen or teenage girl?

If I asked my late father this question today, he would perhaps walk into his room and bring out a selection of canes, whips and his famous sword that masqueraded as a hockey stick for me to choose from. Growing up, there was a strangely deep appreciation for corporal punishment, and even more strangely, nearly every one of my friends’ parents was for it. I have punished my children before, only lightly because I grew up fearing canes. 

As my children grow, we only refer to the cane as the final option. They all know I am capable of reintroducing it, but only if they will not listen. However, I cannot pull this stunt with my 12-year-old. While I can cane her, I see myself in her a lot, and at her age, I know how it would feel to get caned. It can be demeaning, embarrassing even. I would have liked to be talked to at that age because I would have listened. After all, I feared canes! I had friends who didn’t. In fact, they got so used to canes they chose to do wrong because ‘they would only get caned’. 

Be their friend to know them

A famous Kiswahili saying goes, ‘samaki mkunje angali mbichi.’ In my understanding, there’s a certain point to which a child is not just a child. They develop and have their own minds. They think independently and form their own reason. At this point, you need to change your form of communication. Drop the cane, slippers, whip or whatever you use to discipline them, sit and talk. Have agreements, set up deals, and hold them accountable. 

When they get here, it’s time to conform to discipline methods that work. For instance, take away privileges such as having to keep a digital device or attending a gig they would hate to miss. You could also give them more responsibilities or ground them. In all these, it’s essential that they understand why you’re punishing them. Also, consider giving them a chance to mend their ways.