Breaking with family holiday traditions

It is that holiday season again when families gather to celebrate wonderful moments together. Besides the religious significance in celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ, it is also a cultural celebration among many people. During this season, you will find families coming together to make merry and catch up. It is also a season where special meals are prepared to spice up the occasion and is the only time available for most people to travel upcountry and go on vacations.

There is always that routine that one sets on how they intend to spend the holidays. For years, you may have always travelled upcountry to visit your folks from both sides and spend time together, but this year, you suddenly feel that you just want to go on a getaway to a particular destination with your immediate family alone.

Progressive erosion

Family holiday traditions can be the glitter glue that holds all the precious moments of the season together. But when a tradition that was once part of the holiday magic begins to feel like a stressful expectation, it might be time for a holiday tradition tune-up.

 “Things have changed over the years and the pandemic exacerbated the outcome. Different issues have led to the progressive erosion of the traditional set up where family members would converge and celebrate Christmas. The main ones include cultural differences in families, fall outs, death of a loved one, new responsibilities such as having a new born and being overseas. The list is endless. With the changing times, it is somewhat hard to maintain the traditional way of celebrating Christmas with a majority of people facing extenuating circumstances. Such situations may warrant the adoption of flexible ways on how to spend the holidays,” says George Njoroge, a psychologist.

Khamadi Murila and his wife Lois got married early this year hence this being their first Christmas holiday together as a couple, they intend to spend it differently from when they were still single.

“While my wife and I were still dating, we spent the last two Christmas holidays considering this factor at large, and not just our blood relations, but also getting to spend time with the other families that we take care of at our non governmental organisation, Embrace New Beginnings. We have shared food and distributed clothes to children at shelter homes, those on the streets and destitute families that haven’t been able to support themselves through the years,” says Khamadi.

“In as much as we would love to stick to our tradition, we consider the fact that we are now married and each of us is serving two different families. We purpose to utilise the few holidays in this season by spending time with our families. While at home in upcountry, there are a number of family events we intend to attend and also take part in the Christmas day hymns and poems, which we fondly refer to as ‘malako’ in our local dialect. I am yet to convince my wife to join me in reciting the poems considering the fact that we are both from the same tribe, but from two different dialects,” he adds.

Besides family and church, Khamadi says they still purpose to spend some time at a getaway together, just the two of them alone.

“It’s public knowledge that we are only months into our marriage hence we might need to take a little more time to focus on us and the plans we have for the new year,” he adds.

Nereall Yongo, a mother of three says the thought that you can avoid offending others during the holidays is one that is futile. 

“It gets to a point when it doesn’t matter and shouldn’t matter. We are living in different times where things have been slow lately. Funds are stretched as usual.
Workload is heavy. Due to this, my first choice would be to check into a resort and let the children have a great time,” says Nereall.

“We have never been away on Christmas, hence it will be a welcome break from the norm. I would rather stay away with the children. Go easy… cook our favourite meals, dine together and just zone out. We will create a special piece of art to commemorate the day, play board games afterwards and later watch movies. I could do a bit fancier stuff such as visiting the children’s home, but not this year. The year has been demanding and it’s much more of a priority to rest and spend time together,” she explains.

Communication is key

Pastor Terry Gobanga says family traditions can be wholesome if handled well. “Clear communication is key during the planning stage and it is important to take note of group dynamics with a special interest on the newbies in the family, for example, in-laws or siblings who have been overseas or out of touch for long periods and even those who have experienced direct trauma in the recent past,” says Terry.

She offers: “On the other hand, family traditions can be a nightmare and at times, might just not be the right fit for a family member depending on the season one is in life. There are several good reasons some relatives would not just want to join the rest of the family in a tradition that has been in existence and this may include prioritising one’s mental health over traditions knowing one cannot control what people do or say, but one can control where they go and who they want to allow in their space, avoiding toxic relatives, too pregnant or too early after giving birth to attend, going through a tough season and you would rather just be by yourself or sometimes someone just wants a change, which we all know is as good as a rest.”

While one can have all the legit reasons they cannot or should not attend family gatherings during the holiday season, Pastor Terry says the news that you are not attending can be received in the worst or best of ways. And if not well received, it can lead to permanent damage in relationships. 

“It is, therefore, important to let the family know that you are only breaking a tradition, but not breaking away from the family,” she says.

The best way to handle this is by taking time to call and explain why you will not make it. Be as clear as possible. Calling is better since you can express yourself better unlike texting, which one can interpret depending on how they perceive you. If communicating to all in a family WhatsApp group, the voice note is still a better option than just texting.

Also, allow family members to ask questions. Questions answered bring clarity and in turn, clarity brings objectivity and at the end of the day you will have killed family gossip, which is a vibe killer.

Your absence will be felt, but you can make it easier for some if not all family members by making use of technology. Making a phone call or better yet a video call, Facetime will let your family know that your thoughts are with them even though you could not be there physically. 

“The fact that you are not able to be at home with family members may trigger loneliness. It is important to identify activities that you can engage in during the Christmas period; those that make you feel at home. Take this opportunity to make new friendships and connections, which makes the festive season memorable. Also, spend within your means. This reduces unnecessary pressure and burden from your shoulders and offers an opportunity to enjoy what you have. Remember that the most important gift you can offer yourself and your loved ones is your well-being and happiness. Do not deny yourself that,” explains Njoroge.

“Traditions have emotions tied to them from childhood for most families. Those emotions can trip us hence it is important to remember to put more value in people than in the traditions,” Terry adds.