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Hi Achokis. I’ve been in a relationship for the last three years. However, my girlfriend has been pressing me to commit, but I feel I’m not yet ready. I feel there are things I still need to do before settling down in marriage.

I also feel she is too manipulative and has been controlling me. I can’t make any decision on my own. She always tells me what I should do, and who I should relate with.

I feel so suffocated in this relationship, yet I don’t want to hurt her. Can I just quietly ditch her? Please help, I’m confused!

Thank you for seeking our help. You have raised two issues: First, that you feel you are not ready and secondly, that your girlfriend is manipulative and controlling. 

Why don’t you want to commit. If it is because you feel you are not ready, why is this so? 

The reason she may be pushing you to commit could be that she’s seeing her biological clock is ticking, you have dated for three years and still, you are saying nothing.

What may appear like manipulation or control could just be her frustrations with your lack of commitment. 

Dated enough time

You see, when a woman falls in love and stays in a relationship this long, she already starts to plan for her wedding.

There is pressure from her family and friends who are constantly asking when the “big day” will come. So understand her. She must be hurt when you tell her you are not ready. 

If the reason for not committing is because you feel she’s being controlling and manipulative, then that’s another issue.

The question is, has she always been like this or is it something you just realised recently? You need to also check yourself.

Are you the kind of man who won’t move unless he’s pushed? Could it be you have insecurity issues of insecurity?

You need to check this with your family and friends, especially those who can be brutally honest with you. 

Not fair

On the other hand, you must be careful because if it is true that she’s manipulative and controlling, then such a relationship could, if it has not already, have a negative impact on you. 

Ditching her silently will not be fair. You need to gather courage to carefully approach her and let her know the reason you want to call it quits. Let it be out of concern rather than an accusation.

It won’t be easy, but it is necessary. Who knows this could just help her and one day she may look back and appreciate you for this. The sooner you do this, the better for both of you. [email protected]