Hi, Achokis. I have been married for slightly over three years. My wife and I have one child. Recently, I found her snooping on my phone and when I confronted her she said that we shouldn’t have any secrets between us.

She posed, “What are you hiding in your phone? If you are not hiding anything, why are you upset?”

I have nothing to hide, but feel that my privacy must be respected. Am I wrong? Please advise.

– Sam

Technology has invaded our homes and our privacy. Can we check each other’s phones? This is a question that we are constantly asked and the answer depends on several factors.

In your three years of marriage you have not found her snooping on your phone. Why now? How have you been behaving lately? Or has she always been snooping and you didn’t realise?

Maybe she has noticed a change in your behaviour — especially your phone behaviour, and this has made her suspicious. When she became suspicious, she was tempted to want to know what has been actually going on.

What’s with your reaction?

Before accusing her of snooping on your phone, it is important to know what is making her do that. If indeed you have nothing to hide, why are you getting upset? Your reaction is betraying you. It is increasing rather than diminishing her suspicion, therefore it is wrong.

There is nothing wrong with wanting your privacy. It’s one of your values, it seems. Even in marriage, there’s a need for certain boundaries, which must be respected. Have you ever talked about the importance of your privacy with your wife? If you haven’t, then it’s wrong to accuse her of violating that privacy.

You need to discuss how best to deal with the matter of the phone. What if she’s suspicious or feels there’s something? How best can she go around it without you feeling that your privacy has been violated? Is privacy expected from both sides?

Address the root cause

Your behaviour may have triggered feelings of insecurity in her. She may for example have felt a bit insecure in the relationship by the way you have been treating her. If for example you have not been interested in sex, or have been coming home late and not letting her know your whereabouts. This might have  made her suspicious and thus snooping on your phone.

It could also be something from her past relationship. Maybe her ex-boyfriend cheated on her or one of her friends busted the boyfriend or hubby by checking on their phone.

It’s, therefore, important to get curious and not furious and try and find out why she did what she did. This can open up a conversation that may lead to discovering certain things about each other.

When we listen attentively to each other, and understand where each is coming from, you will be able to address the issues before you amicably. It may also be an opportunity to agree about certain boundaries going forward and how you can become accountable to each other.

• The writers are marriage and relationship coaches
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