When dead fellows return to attend, chair meetings

Kenyans are a rather stubborn lot. If you ask me, they are more stubborn than mules. 

Let me bring you up to speed.

They are the only people I know who vote in deadbeat leaders year in, year out. And then complain that the chaps they voted into office do nothing for them.

But we are getting ahead of ourselves.

I was telling you how weird Kenyans can be. And we didn’t have to wait for Safaricom honcho Michael Joseph to remind us of our peculiar habits.

Kenyans. Which other people can refuse to die and refuse to stay dead?

On that score, we beat the whole wide world. By the way, those blokes who put together the Guinness Book of World Records, where do they live? They should be headquartered here.

You see, out there in Embu, dead men have been attending meetings as board members of health facilities.

In fact, one dead man worked so well that his tenure was renewed last December. 

Ghost personnel

Kathanje Health Centre in Mumunji ward was so impressed by the services of the board chair that they continue to pay him years after he gave up the ghost. Actually, he chaired all board meetings.

So, you see. Ordinary folks who just die and get buried along with their “many years of exemplary service” come nowhere near these guys.

At Kiambere ward, the county posted medical workers and supplied medicines to Mutuobare Health Centre, which remains incomplete to date. No patients have been attended to there. Wait a minute, maybe they did. For an area that hosts ghosts, who chair meetings and draw salaries, even patients may appear for treatment as ghosts, to be treated by ghost personnel.

If Embu ghosts work and draw salaries, it then follows that folks who run funeral homes are in for a rude shock. They may as well close shop.

The same fate awaits carpenters: folks who reckon they can make a living serving the dead: coffin makers and the like. They want to try their luck? Not in Embu. They will die poor.

Indeed, this scenario of dead folks continuing to serve the county diligently reminds me of what clever (I did not say intelligent) politicians exhort us ordinary folks to do: co-exist. And Embu is advanced in this respect: the living and the dead do just that.

That means the living work and pay taxes for the dead to “eat”, to use common lingo. And the latter are clever folks; they pay no taxes or meet other obligations that you and I are saddled with. 

By the way, how do ghosts reproduce?

Do dead blokes also patronise eateries? What do they eat? Do they pay their bills? Maybe they go to bars and drink whiskey. Sorry, spirits. Ha!

Sheer horror

So, if dead guys saunter into meetings and sign for allowances, does Embu have cemeteries? 

Local folks are looking at unseen potential. Literally. Or are they?

Alternatively, we could unleash the ghosts on deadbeat fathers as Sonko calls them; politicians, MCAs, MPs, governors, senators et al.

Of course, you have heard of Sonko’s new calling, exposing public figures who sow wild oats but keep it a secret.

It is here that our Embu ghosts will be put to good use. Imagine some politician who has been busy with his loins being paid a visit by ghosts, sorry, dead guys. Wah!

The sheer horror would compel many to acknowledge their progeny, spread across our lovely country. Folks have apparently been busy…

As for Sonko and his antics, the sooner someone starts to document them as a comedy series to be released after he leaves office, the better for the burgeoning film industry (Is one Ezekiel Mutua listening?).

Good life

You know how rich folks live: sauna, jacuzzi and steam bath at home, exclusive masseuse and barber, six or seven, top of the range limousines in the garage (yes, you heard right: garage is not your local mechanic’s joint); in short, the good life. This could be documented as film, complete with the extended family.

Imagine our millionaires competing to do such films just to outdo each other.

There’s money in the film industry, just waiting to be made; loads of it. Haki!

Let me think about how to make money now. Perhaps exorcising ghosts…topic for another day.

Have a spirit-filled week, folks!

– The writer is Special Projects Editor, People Daily