I have just returned from the (in) famous men’s conference, where I was scheduled to be a guest speaker but declined because “anything I say can be used against me by my enemies.”

I did not say this in black and white but it was the reason. After all, does philosophy not teach us that a wise man does not say all he knows, or show all he has?

Most of the men who attended the jamboree of Adam’s descendants will tell you they did not see me, which is a lie. A fat lie.

You see, I booked myself in as a translator, so those who milled around the main hall, in all manner of ridiculous shorts and ill-fitting T-shirts, were not fortunate enough to see me, yet I was there, an unseen guest.

Agenda number one was to establish how many blokes had sent fare to unnamed individuals of their fairer sex to join them.

A few hands went up and they were promptly ejected from the hall. Indeed, they were frogmarched all the way to the main gate of the hotel.

The keynote address was delivered by a prominent politician from Uasin Gishu, who declared that men must end the culture of double-speak, or saying something today and the next day bowing under the charm of feminine pressure.

“If you say ‘No’ to something today, it must remain ‘No’ the next day and the next and the next!” There was applause.

“Another point: there is no headache that lasts three days. If anyone tells you they are nursing one for days, tell them to make a decision and declare the true intentions,” he went on.

“It is also unacceptable for the man of the house to eat food prepared by the house-help. The woman must tend to his culinary needs first before other needs and wants are considered,” the octogenarian added. He received a standing ovation.

His last remarks drew both applause and laughter. “You must banish from your house weaves and wigs that are worn for six weeks. That is not a hairstyle. That is witchcraft!”

The men were also unhappy with women who persist in keeping their sons in the kitchen beyond their initiation into manhood.

If a boy becomes a man, he ceases to have hours of presence in the kitchen and must have little contact with the kitchen apron.

Any dresses worn in the house and whose hemline is inches above the knees must be looked afresh, especially if the house has boys of whatever age, a central Kenya figure said.

A Kitui businessman who deals in gemstones said it was also unacceptable for women with big children to wear figure-hugging dresses for whatever reason. Such dresses have their place but not in the house, he said. He was applauded.

Kevo from Western Kenya said all the men who partake of drinks preferred by the alternative gender, such as those with fruity flavours in transparent bottles should start wearing dresses, too.

Real men handled brown bottles. There were murmurs of disapproval, which were drowned in gestures of approval, including fists punching the air.

A flamboyant politician from coast reminded the men not to forget to tell their women that there were no flowers for Valentine’s, as all flowers available had been taken to Moi’s funeral. He got a standing ovation, too.

Another bloke who resembled a popular comedian actually quoted the Holy Writs, to explain that on 14th of the second month of the year, unleavened bread and herbs are to be eaten. That meant on Valentine’s, folks were to eat ugali and managu.

When the conference took a break, I quickly called my mole over at the women’s conference and learnt things were elephant there.

An MCA from Nairobi, I heard, exhorted the women to train their men to use the laundry basket and to remind them that socks, vests, et al, do not naturally belong to the bedroom floor.

It was also wrong, the women were told, for their men to say they will be home in an hour, only to extend to five hours, many times without explanation. A popular resolution was that it is a sort of crime to forget a woman’s birthday, or any other such vital occasions.

It was agreed that old men with balding heads and paunchy protruberances must forthwith cease wearing those shiny sports Tshirts that make them look like comedians or elements from outer space. Now wait until couples meet after the two conferences…

Have a conference-free week, folks!– The writer is Special Projects Editor, People Daily