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Census report is out. The truth is out. You can never argue with numbers, so do politicians say. I agree. Numbers don’t lie. Over the years, women (poor souls) were under serious siege always threatened left, right and centre. And as if that wasn’t enough, North, East, West and South. According to crass ‘threateners’, the ratio of men to women was at an alarming 1:7.  So women threatened to make do with sharing men, because hey, men weren’t enough to afford one woman the luxury of monogamy. 

But now? Now we know. There’s 24 million of us versus 23.5 million of men. That gap? No gap. Those half a million men missed census. They were out there drinking and forgot to be counted. Did I hear someone differ, ati clubs were closed? Serious clubs were closed. Home pubs didn’t get that memo— it was  parte after parte as usual. They made a killing that weekend. And if rumour about the memo got to them, then aaaa, easy peasy-  lock walevis inside, reduce music, lights dim or out (real walevis prefer lights out, these ones thrive in darkness). 

So, most people weren’t counted on day one. So, day two, the mlevi thought this is an actual waste of my drinking time. So, he goes to the home pub again, gets locked in and then reminds the equally kalewa neighbour to send a smoke sign his way, when watu wa census check in. There’s three of them. So, they know they’re sorted. They get the call like this, go home, get counted, back to the pub. Talk about four blind men showing each other the way. So, the kalewa at home is too high, from jana’s binge. 

The census guys knock, they knock (or ring the bell for us guys of LA and South B). Then, they knock aki they knock. Another neighbour (choir soloist) says, “eeh you guy, that bro ain’t around, he’s somewhere in Sodom or Gomorrah.” Census guy eventually gives up and skips his house. 

So, of course the other guy’s out there kunywaing? How many homes did the angel of census pass? Now that’s just one neighbourhood. If you BODMAS every village with an over ambitious home pub owner, you’ll get the math. But if you got a jembe in math, I can’t help you. So do your math. I’ve done mine. And that’s how some men missed the count. That’s how we close that difference. At least that’s how I choose to. But adulting is hard, I tell you, judge them not.

 Why the math? 1:1 Each man for one woman— this 1:7 was just a myth driven by men who wanted to fool women into thinking the male species was almost going extinct, and that survival for the fittest (sharing men) was the only way to make it through. Whatever happened to pick up lines?