How I stopped my 2022 rival’s signature collection launch

A wag once said when a man is excited and happy, it is the duty of a good wife to put an end to that nonsense! I experienced this firsthand on Thursday. 

The numerous Happy International Men’s Day messages I was receiving had elated me.

“Mama Hiro,” I said to my mum-in-law’s daughter, “You are the only one yet to send me a message.” 

She gave me a strange look and then remarked, “Ok, Happy Men’s Day, and Happy Toilet Day, too.”

“Toilet Day?” I asked, puzzled.

“Yes. It is also World Toilet Day.”

This information dampened my spirits. It was pure malice that made someone decide to put men’s and toilets’ day together. Luckily, I was working from home that day, so few people were likely to suffer the effects of my low spirits.

My privacy was, however, soon dismantled by the entry of two fellows, Nzaya Nzayadio and Matata. They were two of my most trusted foot soldiers. I relied on them to give me news from the ground. 

After a few pleasantries, the two went down to business. “Mheshimiwa, huyu Alafafa ameleta kichwa,” Nzaya said.

The mention of Alfafa’s name stirred something in me. You probably know this rival of mine whose only ambition in life is to unseat me.

You recall how the other day he hijacked my meeting and shamelessly spread lies about us MCAs. 

“What has he done?” 

“Imagine he is planning to collect signatures to dethrone you.”

“Ati?” I asked incredulously.

“Yes. He has planned to launch a signature collection exercise on Saturday. He is saying the ward needs a more responsible MCA.

Ati wewe ni bure kabisa. This man must be stopped,” said Nzaya

“How?” I asked, boiling with fury.

“Aaah, simple. Allow us to get a few boys to disrupt the exercise,” Matata said. 

Allowing them of course meant parting with some money to pay the boys. 

“Ok, kazi kwenu,” I said and promised to ‘see’ them on Friday.

Later in the day, I had a second thought. Why not approach this matter without necessarily using violence?

I decided I would take advantage of my closeness to the governor. He had the powers to outlaw gatherings in the county.

Furthermore, I had not met him since he returned from the US where he and his family had gone to monitor the elections.

Friday morning found me in the governor’s office. “Welcome back, Mheshimiwa. How was your trip?”

“Marvelous,” he declared and then told me so many things about this land of opportunity that I soon lost interest. Perhaps he discovered this and changed the topic.

“What notable thing happened while I was away?”

I suddenly remembered how the deputy governor had awarded his wife the tender to make the ‘No Mask, No Service’ billboards.

Yes. This was my opportunity to let the governor know how corrupt his deputy was. I was not going to spare my 2022 rival.

“It is about the billboards,” I said.

“Which ones?” he asked.

“The ‘No Mask, No service’ ones.”

“Oh, I just love those things. They were beautifully done. Whoever did them should be given more tenders!” said the county supremo to my bewilderment.

No longer interested in that matter, I went straight to what brought me to his office. 

“Mheshimiwa, there is a fellow called Alfafa who is planning to cause trouble.”

“How?”

He is planning to collect signatures to remove us.”

“Us?” 

“Yes. You and me. He will launch the exercise tomorrow in my ward and escalate it to the whole county.”

The county supremo’s face suddenly acquired a murderous look. 

“Who does he think he is?” he asked.

“I also don’t know. And imagine he wants to gather people during this Covid times,” I answered.

“He must be stopped,” thundered the county boss to my utmost delight. 

He immediately made a phone call to the County Health Executive and ordered him to ban all public gatherings of more than 10 people with immediate effect. 

I left the office feeling glad.

On reaching my office, I found Nzaya and Matata waiting for me. “Mhesh, we have come,” said Nzaya. 

I suddenly remembered I had promised to give them money for the boys.

“There is no need to disrupt the meeting. It will not be there after all,” I said.

“But we have already promised the boys something and they are waiting,” said Matata, in a not-so-friendly manner.

“Sorry. Next time.” 

I, however, decided to part with something for the two for their intelligence work. After all, their information had stopped Alfafa’s heinous plans. Hatoboi! – a.otieno@pu.ac.ke