Father’s Day: Dads instrumental in raising well-rounded men

It is common to hear people trading memories of how they would bolt to their rooms, the instance their fathers made their way to the house, or how they tapped onto their mother’s gentleness to broker agreements between them and their fathers.

Such accounts are ordinarily received with a burst of thunderous laughter and regarded with normalcy. However, they are a glimpse into how fathers were viewed by their sons — unapproachable and terrifying.

But modern fathers are changing this narrative. They are taking active roles in raising their children and cultivating a good relationship with them.

“The other day I discovered that children also have love languages. A while back, my son was not performing well in school and I resulted in scolding him. Unbeknownst to me, that did not change anything,” says Justus Njoroge, father to a four-year-old and 16-year-old sons.

“It is only when I switched tact and started encouraging slight improvements that he performed better. In present times, scolding does not work. You have to learn how to get to their hearts and encourage them towards their dreams and ambitions,” he explains.

World over, fathers have been assigned the role of ‘funder ’ by society; he pays school fees, rent, and medical bills and instil discipline now and then while the routine care work of raising the child is bestowed upon the mother.

She assumes the duty of preparing the children for school, curating fun activities, and offering counsel to the children. While this approach has worked for some families, Njoroge affirms being a present father in all facets of a male child is crucial for their development.

“I have deliberately decided to spend more physical time with them (sons). I have been picking them up from school since they were in primary school and the other day they shared how other children are dropped to school by drivers or via school buses,” said Njoroge, an electrical engineer.

“I sense appreciation even though they may not voice that out. I also create opportunities for communication by taking them to sporting activities and trips. I do a lot of engagements with my children. For me what works is being physically available,” he adds.

Njoroge’s enviable and admirable devotion to his sons lies in the way he has his schedule worked around theirs. From taking them to church regularly, fetching them from school daily, and abandoning personal social engagements to attend sporting tournaments in school.

He adds that in areas where his parenting strengths have faltered, such as offering boy-girl advice, he has been able to draft his wife’s expertise. Even with a resolute commitment, sometimes Njoroge is assailed by feelings of doubt like most parents.

He hopes that in the distant future, his children can look back and admire the unquantifiable work he put into raising them.

Dr Michael Mbiriri, a psychologist with 15 years of experience says the role of a father in raising a son is more than that of a provider.

“There are some things that only a father can teach a son because he has lived these experiences, whether in his puberty or older years. Mothers may know these things theoretically, but that is very different from having experienced them yourself,” he says.

“The father is the role model of a son as he grows up. They tend to see the fathers in most cases as their heroes,” he adds.

In addition to helping a child makes sense of his maleness, Mbiriri says the father is also responsible for the attitude held by a child towards women. In incidences where a male child has grown up in a home where the father abuses the mother, the child may perceive abuse of the girl child to be acceptable behaviour and may even regard women including his sister very lowly.

On top of being a positive role model, and shaping attitudes towards females, the father also plays a role in establishing the spirituality of the child. “Spirituality goes beyond religion and sometimes when it is not fostered, you have a spiritual vacuum. Spirituality is connected to conscience and this is important for the child as he matures,” Mbiriri shares.

Mbiriri links the rise of mental distress and rising cases of suicide to a tendency of fathers to harp on their son’s weaknesses and shortcomings.

“There is a big difference between punishing a child and abusing them. We should sensitively correct the children and avoid touching on issues that lower their self-esteem. One of the reasons male children experience clinical depression is because of low-self esteem,” he explains.

Official data from World Bank shows the rate of suicide deaths at 6.1 people in every 100,000. Men are the most affected by the scourge at 9.1 men in every 100,000 affected people.

“The reason children commit suicide could be they do not have anyone to talk to. They may sometimes seek the guidance of their peers, but that often leads to bad advice. As a father, you can engage them in games, do fun activities to win their confidence, and have them open up,” Mbiriri said.

In closing, Mbiriri says that fathers should establish good communication channels with their sons and spend reasonable time as this has proven to have better outcomes in a child’s development.