Hi Achokis.  It is not just married women who feel lonely in their marriage – some married men are lonely too. This is especially when children are young. What if your spouse doesn’t feel that they need to work hard to be with you? When it is always about what you didn’t do or how you did it and there is a constant blame game and lack of appreciation. 

Tim

Hi Tim.  We agree with you that men can also get lonely in a marriage.  The assumption is that men don’t get lonely because they rarely show their emotions or accept what they are feeling. We have been socialised to think that only women crave for emotional connection. Women thus neglect the need to connect with or work hard to be with their men in a way that is meaningful to their husbands.

Guys on the other hand have grown up suppressing their emotions, in the process developing coping mechanisms that have helped them survive through life, yet still leaves them lonely and yearning for connection. These coping mechanisms, which once protected them, become a thick protective layer that protects their wives from connecting with them deeply. Thus, their wives keep off and leave them alone and this adds to their loneliness.

This calls for constant communication.  Sometimes one spouse might feel that the other is not working hard, but they really are. The only problem is they are working so hard doing the wrong thing, or they simply don’t know what to do. They get frustrated and sometimes stop trying.  

Be vulnerable

As men, we need to learn to be vulnerable with our wives. Vulnerability is not weakness, on the contrary it is strength. It takes a lot of courage and strength for one to be vulnerable. Let your woman know that you are also lonely and want to connect with her. Let her know what makes you feel connected with her. It may be sex, just being around you while you are on your nothing box. 

Nobody wants to be attacked, blamed or judged. We all want to be accepted, appreciated and affirmed, especially in our intimate relationships. Playing the blame game will ruin the relationship. We need to each take responsibility in our relationships and to communicate what we want instead of blaming the other person for what they didn’t do. Despite the mistakes we make, we also do good things. These need to be highlighted and celebrated. 

Stop blame game

Happiness comes from within.  When you find happiness and peace within you, then you will project that to others. The opposite is also true. Negative vibes will project the same and present a hostile environment. The language of appreciation kills negativity. This counts for both sides. When you both stop playing the blame game and learn to appreciate and affirm each other, communicating your needs to each other and understanding each other, your relationship will be n  a good space.

The writers are marriage and 

relationship coaches

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