Nailantei Norari @Artnorari

In ancient England, mourning for a deceased spouse had prescribed guidelines for the bereaved.

But in patent patriarchal fashion, the mourning rules were more fastidious for the widow compared to the widower.

The widower was supposed to wear black for two and a half years. She was supposed to be cloistered and not attend social gatherings for the first year.

In the second year, she would exchange some black clothes for greys and mauve and wear a bit of jewelry.

Queen Victoria would up the ante on mourning customs by wearing black from the time her husband Prince Albert died in 1861, till her death in 1901.

In comparison, men were only required to wear black for six months. It comes as little surprise that more than half of the widowers remarried while only half of the widows did the same in the nineteenth century. 

The more things change, the more they remain the same. Widows and widowers are still treated unequally.

While widows are treated with suspicion and are often viewed as husband snatchers in most societies, widowers are still deemed desirable and marriageable.

“I remember how supportive my church group was when I lost my husband to post election violence.

This soon changed in a few years as I remained unmarried. My fellow women will-fully refused to invite me to their houses for fellowship while the pastor once did a scathing sermon on sins of the flesh and how one should get married to avoid this,” Nancy* a communication personnel with a local daily and a widow explains.

She explains that widows cannot seem to catch a break as they are damned if they don’t remarry and damned if they do, as the period within which they remarry is put under close scrutiny.

But widowers do receive the same criticism as Dan Sonko came to learn. Sonko, a Mombasa-based thespian was recently on the receiving end of criticism from netizens for getting a girlfriend, a scant two years after the death of his wife and mother of his two children.

Dan replied by saying that matters of mourning and grieving are personal, and that he had moved on despite still loving his deceased wife.

Having it rough 

“There is no right time to move on. It all depends on how much healing the person has done and the emotional place they are at,” Ruth Mwaura, a clinical psychologist of Thalia Psychoterapy, a mental health clinic in Nairobi, explains.

“Society may try to dictate how long is long enough but the only cardinal rule should be how emotionally ready the person is to dive into the next relationship.

It is important to note that the death of a loved one is not something that just fades with time.

The intensity of the pain may fade but it is still there nonetheless, learning to control it and live with it is what is important,” she adds.

Fiona Atieno, a social expert and psychologist concurs with Ruth. She explains how it is important to do the best for oneself outside of societal pressures.

She further explains how deeply ingrained our patriarchal practices are that they carry over even after death, citing wife inheritance as one of these antiquated practices.

Despite this, widowers also have it rough even if it is to a lesser degree compared to the widows.

“We have all heard of how widows are disinherited after their husbands die.

But little is said of the widowers, who have to fight for the bodies of their wives to be buried in their marital homes.

In most of these instances, the wife’s family normally want to claim their daughter’s wealth and deny the marriage by burying the body in the parent’s home instead,” Fiona further explains.

Fiona explains how most of these cases have to be battled out in court, emphasising the importance of legal structures to mediate in social and cultural conflicts.

While families battle it out over inheritance, little or no attention is given to the grieving kids.

Psychologists emphasise the importance of walking with the children through all the phases of grieving so that they also heal.

This way if you introduce a significant other, they will not be responding from a place of hurt.

“Remarrying when kids are involved is often difficult. It is important to ensure that they are part of the process.

Reassure them that the new partner is not there to replace the deceased. Give them time to get acquainted before tying the knot.

Also, monitor the partner’s relationship with the children, whether the children are young or old. Your new partner is not just yours alone,” Ruth cautions.

Vetting partners

“The dating scene is more forgiving of widowers more than widows. It is quite interesting to hear men vow not to marry a single woman with kids, especially if the kids are male.

This is why it is important to vet potential partners away from the kids. The weak might bolt at the mention of kids and that might leave the children feeling abandoned had you introduced the two parties.

It is therefore prudent for the widow or widower t first vet potential partners and then only introduce them to the kids if they are planning a long term relationship with them that will potentially impact the kids,” Fiona explains.

“It is important to note that death and the resultant healing process is different from person to person.

Feel free to find your own path, picking what cultural support and social support that you can and challenging what you disagree with,” she concludes. *Not her real name.