“James is the most cooperative and respectful boy in class. He follows all the instructions given to him and ensures that his work is neat.”

As a parent, you may hear these words coming from your child’s teacher and scratch your head.

You wonder if they are talking about your child. The same child who will throw tantrums left right and centre whenever he is at home.

If it seems like your children starts to misbehave whenever you walk into the room, you are not alone.

There are many times I have heard parents, especially mothers, complain that their children will tend to behave badly whenever they are at home with them, but if they are with the house help or someone else, they are the most calm. 

While we usually enjoy hearing good things about our children, being told that your child is an angel by others can be confusing and frustrating when she’s out of control at home.

“They say a mother is a child’s safe place. And children know this only too well.

Everyone, even adults, have that place in someone whom they feel is safe to say or do anything with.

You laugh with them, but also pour out your frustrations, fears or insecurities,” says Ruth Vusaka, a mother of three .

“For the children, who else, other than their mum? I mean, you carried this child in your womb and so they know you from their delicate helpless beginning.

After birth, you feed, bathe, change them among other things and I think this already sends the strongest message to the brain of a child that ‘you are all I have. You can tolerate me,” she adds.

According to Vusaka, children do and say certain things knowing that mum will accommodate them. They simply don’t care because mum got their back.

“I don’t blame my children, but as a mother, it is my duty to teach them what is right and wrong. It’s certainly a stage and it will pass.

I talk to my children about their bad behaviour and correct them. I also draw from certain examples and ask questions like “Is that a good/kind thing to do/say?”

Maureen Mutie, a mother of two and a teacher says a child’s behaviour is determined by the consequences that follow after.

Reinforcing good behaviour

“If good behaviour is reinforced in one place and not in the other, then the child is bound to portray only the desired behaviour in the place where it is reinforced.

For example, if a child knows that they are not allowed to be rude in school because there is punishment that follows it, they will not portray bad behaviour in school,” says Mutie.  

“On the other hand, if at home there are no consequences for showing rude behaviour then the child will behave as they wish,” she adds.

According to behaviourists, behaviour can be learnt or unlearnt, and this is only possible through behaviour reinforcement techniques.

“In our homes, mostly, there is no one present to mould a child’s behaviour. Parents are busy at work hence the children are left with role models such as the media or their peers.

I believe this is why you may find a child portraying varied behaviour in school and at home, Mutie explains.

“The other reason children behave the worst when they are in the presence of their parents is because since from the time they are young, parents don’t say ‘No’ to them.

They only play the good and permissive parent even when they see that the child is getting out of hand.

They only realise it when it’s too late and the children are grown and the behaviour is engraved in them.

I believe that a child’s behaviour needs to be moulded from the time the child is young,” she shares.

Naomi Kago, a mother of three agrees. 

“I think such behaviours are driven by the ‘cool’ parents as compared to a school setting where discipline is the order of the day.

In fact, our generation (young parents) hardly discipline their children. Instead, we pamper them with sweet names, such as, ‘Kamami, don’t do that’ or ‘kababa, do you think that is right?

As a parent, I would recommend that we guide our children in the right direction and teach them how to do things firmly.

If the very same child can’t misbehave in the presence of a visitor or while they are in school, why then do they misbehave when they are at home,” she poses.

Fred Kiiru, a counseling psychologist, author and life coach says children tend to resent and not obey authority or set rules.

He offers: “In my interaction with children, I have come to realise that the upbringing of children does matter.

In a setting where the parents were strict, the children tend to overreact at home and pose to others as darlings.

I urge parents to always be free and talk openly with their children, especially those between three and 12 years, which is a critical age where children have started to express their emotions.

Children who are allowed to express themselves grow with emotional intelligence compared to those who don’t.”

Other issues that might make children to be darlings in public, but terrorists at home are bullying, child hood trauma, resentment, comparing self to other children, peer pressure, poor academic performance and low self-esteem.