Thanks Ciku for reaching out for help. A number of women suffer violence in their marriage, but just keep quiet. It’s good you have shared with your big sister and are now reaching out for help.

Whereas we strongly recommend people sticking it out in marriage, when it comes to violence where one’s life is endangered, we advise them to leave.

The reason many women stay in abusive marriages, which you are in, is for three reasons. One is the hope that their man will change, especially when he keeps coming back to them apologising for what they did and yet continues abusing them.

What they don’t realise is that by staying, they are not helping the man change, but are instead enabling this bad behaviour.
You cannot change or help such a man, they need a professional to help them deal with their anger. They could be suffering from past trauma or be having some personality disorders.

Fear of stigmatization

Second reason ladies stay in these abusive relationships is that they don’t want to be alone. They fear stigmatisation. Society looks down upon single mothers or divorced women.

So the fear of this keeps a woman in a relationship is what is destroying them. They end up fearing to lose their social status rather than their lives.

They thus end up with a low self-esteem, emotionally damaged if not physically damaged. Thirdly, is the fear of how they will raise their child alone especially if they are not economically empowered. Nobody wants to lower their standard of living or subject their child to it. This fear could be making you stay in this abusive marriage.

Face your fears

Your hubby will keep trying to persuade you to stay, promising that he will change. Don’t fall for this. You need to face your fears and do something before it’s too late.

We advise a temporary separation. If your sister can house you for a while until you figure yourself out, the better. Don’t let him know your plans as he will ensure you don’t leave.

Leaving might not be a simple thing for you, especially knowing that you have shared a life with him for seven years.
But your safety and the emotional safety of your daughter, who is exposed to the violence, matters a lot.