How crowd for hire squandered my money and let me down

My county desperately needs my leadership skills. I have since promised not to let my people down come 2022. 

However, some individuals seem bent on subverting the will of the people by competing with me for the seat.

Top in the list of these saboteurs is the deputy governor. I have often regarded him as an ally until last week when I started seeing his true colours.

It all began when I received an invitation to attend the launch of his 2022 gubernatorial bid. 

This was a resounding slap on my face. This man knew very well that I had an interest in the top seat, and yet he had the audacity to invite me for his own campaigns! What cheek!    

I called him to express dismay at his move. “Bwana Gwinso, relax,” he said in the most annoying calm voice.

“I have always known you to be a democrat. Let the people decide,”.  

I would hear none of that democracy crap so I gave him a piece of my mind. Unable to take my ranting any longer, his calmness vanished.

“Come on, Gwinso. Be sensible. Hiyo kiti si ya mama yako,” he said and hang up. This man had declared war and I was not going to take it lying down.

I consulted my confidant, MCA Chonjo. I rely on  his wise counsel on how  face adversaries. 

“Bwana Gwinso, do not allow that guy to start campaigning now. It is too early,” Chonjo declared. “He will make you start incurring costs na campaign time bado”

“So what do I do?” I asked.

“Simple. Disrupt the event. I can connect you  with a good organiser.”

“But it will be obvious I am the one behind it all.” 

“No. You will be with him there. Both of you will be victims of the disruption.” 

This suggestion cleared all my misgivings and emboldened me. Yes. The deputy governor must not be allowed to launch his campaigns uninterrupted.

Chonjo linked me to a fellow called Matata, whose skills in organising hecklers was legendary. “Talk to him and everything will be fine. I wish you well,” Chonjo assured me.

I met Matata and told him what I wanted. “Which package do you want?” asked this mountain of a man.

“Which ones do you have?”

“Amani package. Is booing the speaker repeatedly to show how unpopular he is. Kelele package is shouting and yelling to  ensure the speaker is not heard. Then there is maliza package. This one disrupts the whole event by causing total chaos. Amani is the cheapest and Maliza the most expensive since it involves risks.” 

Obviously, I picked maliza, and after some bargaining, we settled on a fee. We agreed that the mob would arrive to disrupt the meeting just as the deputy governor started speaking.

I then called the DG to inform him of my intention to attend his meeting. He was pleased and promised to reserve a seat for me. 

True to his word, my seat was next to his at the dais. “Kwani you don’t fear Corona guidelines?” I posed. 

“Corona kitu gani? Rallies zimerudi.”

As soon as the meeting began, I felt a little tensed up. The thought of Matata and his group descending on us was frightening.  

However, I had already surveyed the surrounding and planned my escape route. 

The DG stood up to speak, and I heard chants in the background. I knew it was the moment of truth.  

Chants became louder and louder. Curiously, the DG was not moved. He continued speaking as if nothing was happening. 

 Soon, Matata’s mob happened at the venue, and believe it or not, they were chanting slogans in praise of the deputy governor himself!

“Ok, I hear you. Thank you,” he said above the noise. I watched in disbelief as Matata and his group cheered every sentence the DG uttered. 

“Even MCA Gwinso here has decided to support me,” he said to my utter shock. I had a mind to walk out, but realised this would cause unnecessary commotion. So I sat there and endured it all.

After the event, I beckoned Matata and asked him what had happened. 

“Sorry, Bwana Gwinso, but the deputy governor paid us more. Ndio kunaendanga.” Were it not for his massive frame, I would have landed a blow on his face. I am now planning to launch my campaigns in style. Itakuwa moto sana!  – a.otieno@pu.ac.ke