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It is the start of a new year, and many people have great plans, goals and expectations that they hope to accomplish.

For children who have now grown into adults, it may be time to consider moving out of their parent’s homes or haciendas.

While others may have talked, planned and budgeted for it, others may still not have put it into consideration due to several factors, and would just want to keep on enjoying the warmth and luxuries that come with being at their folks’ homes.

Some parents find it easy to let go. But for others, it may turn out to be a tough decision to make hence wanting their adult child to hang on for a while.

Free them early

“My two sons aged 27 and 30 came back home during the Covid-19 pandemic. That was a difficult period for many people. But once the pandemic subsided and the country was opened up, they went back to their normal lives of being on their own,” says Dr Mercy Igoki, a mother of two.
“That has never been an issue for me – to allow my sons to confront life on their own.
However, as a parent, I keep checking up on them. We speak on phone and visit each other. We meet at different joints and talk about life. Until a child can live on their own, as a parent, it might be difficult for you to know how they manage their finances, time and friends,” adds Mercy who works as a university registrar.

Mercy shares how it is healthy to allow adult children learn to do life early enough. She offers: “It is interesting how some children who are now adults cannot make even basic decisions because of over reliance on their parents. Some parents are too protective of their children when they are young such that they prevent their children from ‘growing’. Have you seen mothers crying when they take their children to school? Or those who will take their children to Sunday School and cling on them? These kind of parents do not allow their children to grow and be on their own once they become adults. As parents, we need to know that today’s child is tomorrow’s adult and appreciate that growth happens every day. Growth comes with responsibilities and one of the greatest responsibility is your child being able to do life on their own.”

As a mum of children who are now adults, Mercy had to deal with being alone and found other activities to engage in so as not to be lonely and not to rely on her children hence hinder them from growth.

“For the single parents, we have to confront our loneliness. One reason single parents hold onto their adult children is to feel they have someone around to be with. But you need to realise that the children have their own separate lives from ours. Other times, parents feel that their children will not be safe. This fear is also uncalled for. God protects us all. Parents can encourage their adult children to move out by building self-independence in them. Let them know that it shall be well with them. Assure them of your support. Keep checking up on them and slowly allow them to do life on their own,” she says.

It is also important to give them a mentor; another young person living on their own is a good example that it is possible.
“Encourage your child to make their own decisions. When a child gets used to parents making all the decisions for them, they will be afraid to move out of mama’s presence. I believe in empowering children to make their own decisions,” says Mercy.

Children are different

According to Susan Catherine Keter, a transformational life coach, the aspect of adult children moving out of home is one that many parents today struggle with.

“I have witnessed this while working with my clients and have also walked the same path in my capacity as a parent. It is important to respect diversity. Every individual’s journey is unique; hence do not try to apply a premeditated script on any of your children. I have had a child leave home at the age of 19 when joining university and I have had another one leave home after the age of 25,” says Keter.
“Doesn’t nature teach us these things? If you have ever engaged in crop farming, you know that one plant carries fruits that are at different stages of growth. There is no uniform path for all children in a family, hence don’t risk damaging your children by trying to make them all the same,” she adds.
The expert doesn’t agree with the view that adult children need to be persuaded to leave home.

Underlying issues

She opines: “The concept of persuading someone who is already an adult communicates boundary problems. Why do you as a parent feel the need to persuade? Is it your personal conviction or peer pressure is driving you? Is your adult child in a position to leave home and by this, I am asking if he or she is a well-balanced adult who is able to navigate through life without support? Does your adult child possess critical life skills to make it as an independent human being? Have you listened to him or her without judging or condemning? Have you made your observations and understood him or her as an individual? What is standing in the way of his/her independence?
Keter says some parents harass that adult son or daughter who was probably damaged by some traumatic environment at home, in school or in the community and unfairly compare him or her with another individual, perhaps a sibling or age mate who seems to have his/her life all together.

“If your adult son or daughter seems not to be achieving milestones at what you consider normal pace, I would recommend engaging a professional in order to pick out any area he or she might need support. It is better to be safe than sorry,” she says.

Mercy Amuguni Masiga, a play and art therapist who also doubles up as a psychologist says the real “adult” age may vary as children develop differently, but once they are out of college children should be on their way to independence from daily relying on their parents.

Raise independent child

“We parent to let go. At least that is what nature teaches us. Human life moves from total dependence and vulnerability as a foetus, infant, to partial dependence as toddlers, children and pre-teens. By the time a child reaches teenage age, a parent should start by slowly limiting dependence and training for independence. This should be done by introducing life skills from the physical to the soft,” says Masiga.

“Children should learn how to keep themselves fed, dressed and how to keep their spaces clean. Teenagers should also be allowed partial privacy and encouraged to take up most of self-care. And they should learn financial literacy. This enables a child to know once they are adults , they should move out of the home,” she adds.