Nobody likes losing — we all want to win, we all like to have the last word. This is what is fueling the current political situation that we fi nd ourselves in with this Mandamano Mondays and Thursdays.
Both Rs (Raila and Ruto) are not willing to give in to the calls for dialogue, as that will appear as if they have lost and the other has won.
This is made worse by their hardline supporters who could be urging them on and telling them not to relent even as we, the common mwananchi, continue hurting. This same script plays out in our relationships and particularly in marriage. We want to come out feeling we have won the arguement.
For guys, due to their competitive nature, they are so focused on winning the argument, or is it the debate, even to the extent of leaving their wives wounded.
And if they are not able to win the arguement because of their few words (compared to their wife’s 5,000 words), they withdraw and give them a silent treatment that if prolonged can lead to emotional abuse.
Women on the other hand, with their frequent complaints about the relationship can make the man feel like he has failed, something that men fear most.
The husband, thus either says sorry not knowing his mistake, or refuses to apologise as that is viewed as a sign of weakness or losing. This refusal to apologise hurts the wife badly.
Should he be forced to do so, he will reluctantly. He then lies low waiting for another day when he will “fight” and win. So, the next time around, he looks for revenge rather than resolution, further damaging the relationship.
In order to effectively resolve issues and have a healthy relationship, couples need to learn to come up with win-win solutions to their problems and avoid making the other person feel like he/she has lost. In coming up with a win-win solution, one needs to first humble him/herself realising he/she too could be on the wrong.
Secondly, understand where your spouse is coming from, seeking fi rst to understand rather than to be understood. When you choose to humble yourself and to constantly empathise with your partner, it becomes easy to come up with what is a win for the two of you.
