Listen to This Article Enhance your reading experience by listening to this article.

Hailey Magee often paid for drinks when she went out with friends, bought loved ones expensive dinners and picked up the tab on dates. During the holiday season, Magee purchased lavish gifts, even when she was on a tight budget.

“I always felt pinched and stressed,” she said. Magee, 31, a certified life coach and author of “Stop People Pleasing and Find Your Power,” said she felt a “compulsion to pay for things.”

Although others benefited from Magee’s largess, it put financial strain on her. Magee, who lives in Seattle, would make sacrifices in her own spending, such as putting off buying a new dining table or a full set of dinnerware. She also lowballed clients for her coaching services.

“I was abandoning myself,” she said.

Behavior such as this is a classic example of “people pleasing.” And when it comes to your finances, it can show up in various ways. Perhaps you tip generously, lend others money or buy your children expensive clothes when you can’t afford to. And although being a “yes” person may be seen as kindness, it often “comes at a cost,” said Alex Melkumian, a psychologist in Los Angeles.

Magee said she had spent thousands of dollars on others, leaving less money for her savings and retirement accounts.

Corie Lowden, host of “The People Pleaser Podcast,” has a habit of trying to make others happy — even when it hurts her financial health. Lowden said she had once paid $80 for a bouquet of balloons for her grandfather’s birthday. When it was time to pay, she learned that helium would cost extra, but she spent the money anyway.

“I didn’t want to make the cashier uncomfortable, so I swallowed my feelings,” said Lowden, 38, who lives in Port Townsend, Washington.

In her vintage resale business, Lowden also set her prices too low and paid herself too little. By the close of 2021, people pleasing in both her personal and professional life had put her more than $20,000 in debt.

Financially hurtful

There’s nothing wrong with helping others, as long as it’s not “financially hurtful,” said Michelle Griffith, a senior wealth adviser at Citi Personal Wealth Management. Red flags include overspending each month or racking up credit card debt. Griffith also recommends asking yourself this question: “Is people pleasing creating ‘financial tension’ in my life?” If so, there may be a bigger problem, she said.

But since people pleasing is a personality trait, dialing back your spending requires more than learning the nuts and bolts of money management. It also takes some self-reflection, Melkumian said. Often, it’s the marriage of the two that leads to long-term change.

Identify triggers

Sometimes, people pleasing stems from our early-childhood experiences, said Ashley Agnew, a financial therapist. If you came from a rigid household or had controlling parents, it can feel like second nature to let others dictate your decision-making. So when a friend forgets his wallet and asks you to pick up the check, you may pay without giving it a second thought.

Low self-esteem and an overriding need to be liked can also trigger people pleasing. If we shower people with gifts, the thinking goes, they’ll be less likely to reject us. In these instances, we feel as if our worth is defined by the size of our wallet, Melkumian said.

And in some cases, family values are the driver. For example, Magee grew up in a family that emphasized putting others first. “Generosity traveled through generations,” she said.

People pleasers anxiety

Although the origins of people pleasing vary, there is one common thread: People pleasers tend to have a lot of anxiety, said Megan McCoy, a financial therapist at Kansas State University, who considers herself a member of the tribe.

“In times of stress, people pleasing tendencies can become very unhealthy really quickly,” she said.

When McCoy feels that she has been neglecting a friendship, for example, she might turn to her wallet for an easy Band-Aid.

“If I feel like a bad friend, like I’m not calling enough, not being there enough, I find myself wanting to throw money at the problem,” she said.

Get comfortable with discomfort

People pleasers shy away from confrontation, Melkumian said. They get stuck in “cyclical thinking,” imagining people’s reactions and anticipating their disappointment. So, they’ll often take the path of least resistance: splitting the restaurant bill when they ordered only an appetizer, for example, or agreeing to go on an extravagant trip that’s outside their budget.

If these awkward situations breed discomfort, find a way to break the ice. McCoy recommends using artificial intelligence tools: “If you don’t know how to say ‘no’ to your colleague who keeps asking you for money, see what ChatGPT suggests.”

Magee said role-playing with a trusted friend could also help. “Write down the language of what you’ll say in advance so you have some sound bites to work with,” she said.

(BEGIN OPTIONAL TRIM.)

It can be difficult for people pleasers to say “no” in the heat of the moment. Agnew suggested slowing down before you respond to the request.

“Give yourself the grace of a pause and visualize what’s important to you,” she said. For example, you might take a beat and say, “This trip sounds like fun, but I’ve got this new addition to the house I’m saving up for.”

Learning to tolerate discomfort can help you make more informed decisions.

“And the more attention you devote to not people pleasing, the more you can actually choose to give when you do have money,” Melkumian said.