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Nadia Achieng’ has been a single mother for the last five years. She attributes her marriage falling apart to her ex-husband’s financial status.

“He did not have a stable job, just the usual hustle. Paying bills was never a problem to me; I had been taking care of my bills before we even got married.

What I refused to do was giving him money just because he asked for it. He just never paid it back. Also, he kept calling me Miss Independent at the slightest provocation.

Being able to take care of my needs, whether he helped out or not, I think, became such a huge problem, that we began to drift apart.

I called it quits. So here I am. I am not looking for money in a relationship. It is not a priority as such. But no, I don’t want a leech either,” says Nadia.

We live at a time and in a society where equality is struggling to gain a fair balance with a lot of gender norms being shown the exit door.

Gone are the days when a man was the sole breadwinner. With women empowerment and many of them joining the job market, coupled with the high cost of living, women are now bringing home the bacon. 

Shameful thing

When the sole bread winner is a woman, does this affect the relationship? And above all, can marriage survive this kind of inequality?

Radio presenter Cyrus Ngonyo shares that it is in fact a taboo in his Mijikenda community to be a ‘kept’ man.

“It is not only an African taboo, Christianity also does not entertain such kind of men. The man is the head of his family and as such, the provider and protector.

Even if the wife will help out sometimes, a man has to make sure his family is happy and satisfied. Where I come from, it is a shameful thing when people find out that you are a ‘kept’ man. The woman will be admired for being courageous and even covering up for you,” he shares. 

It can also be exhausting since many women work, pay the bills, and have to come home to cook, clean, and take care of children. This can bring pressure in the marriage as well as resentment. The reversal of roles can cause friction.

Aisha Mwajumla,  a popular Mombasa-based actress and the host of AishaTalks show in partnership with some organisations explore and bring to light, issues that aggravate gender based violence in the society. 

She believes that a woman being the sole breadwinner in the house can highly contribute to a breakup or violence. 

Struggles and challenges

“It is not that we want our men to have money for us to appreciate them. At the same time, it’s not the money that makes the man feel some ‘type of way’ about you.

It’s what the money makes the man feel or behave or act. How it influences his ego and confidence as a provider and protector.

Lack of money may make a man feel the need to compensate to satisfy his ego and confidence. From the few relationships I know where the man is not providing, the man will most of the time cheat. If you give him money, he will spend it on another woman, so he can fill the gap,” shares Aisha. 

Women are submissive in nature. Whether money is involved or not, they will still wish their men can take care of them, but due to their maternal instincts of wanting things to be okay, they will quickly step in when the man doesn’t play his role . 

Psychologist Tracy Nyaguthii says there are many challenges of a union that has a woman as the primary provider.

A man often feels emasculated by his wife’s success. He feels inadequate because his wife is making more money than him. The man then feels lost in the marriage. If he cannot provide for his family, then what exactly is his role?

“When the role of the primary provider goes to the wife, the husband may suffer shame. Studies indicate female bread winners are at a higher risk of experiencing domestic violence and even divorce. As husbands seek to assert their dominance at home, they can get physically violent or emotionally abusive.

It is also largely held that women who earn higher than their spouses record lower marital satisfaction as opposed to women who earn lower than their spouses.

The societal norm that husbands should be the primary bread winners also leads women to under report their earnings to avoid issues in their relationship,” she shares. 

Additionally, money creates competition. There is also the belief that money equals power, so the breadwinner has more power.

All is not lost

Despite these challenges, Tracy shares that women will continue advancing in their careers and this means that there will be higher chances in the future of many women being primary providers.

“Even if as a society we have a long way to go in embracing women primary providers, women cannot live apologising to society for earning more and men have to realise a lot has changed since our grandparents and parents,” she says.

Tracy says there are many thriving marriages and relationships that have female breadwinners. She says if couples agree and communicate effectively, marriages with female breadwinners can enjoy a healthy relationship.

“It is important for couples to communicate effectively about their finances and their roles in the household. Marriage and relationships requires teamwork, therefore communication is key.

Discuss any underlying issues, expectations, struggles, among other issues. Do not let resentment fester. Find exciting and interesting ways to bond as a couple to break off any tension, for instance dinner dates, safaris, game nights among others.

As a couple you can see a professional counsellor to explore ways to deal with issues in your marriage. For the female bread winner, find like-minded people who you can share your struggles with, without the fear of being judged,” she advises.

Counselling psychologist, Ruth Jebet concurs. “The society has had all of us believing that being a female bread winner spells relationship disaster, which I don’t think should be the case. In fact, it is the most empowering thing a woman can be!

Times have changed, and there are a few things couples can do to help prevent income disparities from taking a toll in their marriage,” she says. 

However, men shouldn’t stay in a comfortable zone, just because someone is taking care of the bills at home. Experts advise it.